Friday, July 18, 2014
Cutting To The Chase....TRUTH Wins!
In my life today....very few things are more important then TRUTH and The Truth. Getting honest with myself after years of denial, misinformation and out right lying was the critical piece to my eventual recovery from Alcoholism/Addiction. It was not an easy nor pleasant process....there were parts of me that were not very nice or likable looking back on it.
The reason I mention this now is that admitting my mistakes and Identifying areas where I have gotten off the right track are just as important to the quality of my life today as it was in those delicate, chaotic early days of my recovery.
Most readers know that I have been dealing with a serious, life and LIMB threatening illness that is now going on it's second full year in duration. Every aspect of my life: Physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual has been catastrophically impacted way beyond the point of ever totally healing. It has and continues to have scarred me for life.
I know some of these posts here on SSS are not always pleasant but I must remind the Reader that the original and still current rational and reason this blog exists is to promote my own personal healing by providing an outlet for the daily TRUTH of my day to day life to be revealed then shared on these very private and personal pages.
I have written frequently about being pushed to the limit by this ordeal to the point where I will admit that not living anymore had started to sound better at times then the alternative. In this instance there was no real risk that I would actually carry out this plan but My Soul was aching to the core and I could do nothing to stop it.
I began to doubt God then actually accepted the fact that this was his will for me:To hurt and punishing me to the bitter end.
In addition to feeling abandoned or worse...HATED by God, I started to resent my friends and some family members who in my distorted illness influenced way of thinking were coasting through life, traveling, spending money and other then dealing with a sick kid/grand-kid or occasional death of a friend/family member have known no real adversity or pain. While I was financially wiped out (nearly $100,000 worth of OUT OF POCKET medical bills) they ride their motorcycles, go camping, go on cruises and trips out east while I no longer have two nickels to rub together.
They would compound their crime in my mind by suggesting that mere prayer or faith would overcome my malady and pain. It's easy to have faith when you're riding the Gravy-Train every day. Or so I believed....
I fed off the resentment and self-pity...Anger fueling my every thought. This scenario seemed to justify my mistrust and dislike of these Christian HYPOCRITES that i hated and mocked for so long. I was slipping away...heading once again down a tortured path of rage and resentment toward another go at suicide...and who knows...this one may have ended in my death instead of a coma and long-term hospitalization.
And then one of those pesky Hypocrites wrote me a Face-Book message referencing Psalm 18 and how she believed that was relevant to my current ordeal. She continued on about the fact that there was hope and some how through the rage I began to see what was happening to me.
That my Friends is the difference in my life today and my life over 8 years ago...Today I have people in my life who love me enough to step into my world of CHAOS and Madness and directly confront the evil that was devouring me from the inside out.
I cannot begin to express how thankful I am that instead of relying on the old stand by: "Praying" that you see so often on Facebook that she took the risk to wade into the fray and reach and pull me back from the ABYSS. God Bless you M O-S...
Before any one gets upset...I very strongly believe in the power of prayer and appreciate the fact that people all over the world (in my particular case) are praying for me. But like anything else, all of us who believe can get where we don't know what to say to someone and instead of not saying anything at all rely on that old stand by..."Praying" with no other expression of care or concern.
The problem with that is that no matter how heart felt and sincere that promise of prayer may be...seeing it said over and over again devalues and cheapens the notion of it to some of us who have been ill for a long period of time. It starts to seem like a cliche. This lesson most certainly applies to yours truly as as well as I am guilty of this as much as anyone. I can honestly say it has been a cathartic realization for me too.
In closing I admit that I have learned for myself the danger of resentment and self pity. I do not know when or IF this illness is ever going to go away. But whether I believe it or not...God is still there and the key is to cling tightly to the promise of HIS great LOVE and our eventual Salvation.