I would not consider myself naive when it comes to the reality of this life or living. I have experienced a vast variety of things in my nearly 52 years on the planet...good things, bad things...the surreal and unbelievable, special and not so much. Nothing truly surprises me now or catches me off balance.
And I would honestly say the experiences of the past couple of years fall under that assessment as well. Though I never would have predicted the specifics...broken leg/ankle in a household accident, subsequent infection, multiple (read:9!) follow up surgeries, long term IV and oral Anti-Biotic Treatment and now the decision making dilemma of a lifetime...I am still not really shocked or unhinged by all that is happening.
But not being thrown for a major loop and freaking out about it doesn't necessarily make it natural or routine to decide to have one's right leg removed...even if it's "JUST" below the knee.
I will say that I have naturally traveled far and wide through the various emotional responses and reactions to difficult and challenging turn of events. Lord knows I have been angry, felt really isolated & lost, knowing only the confusion of the unknown and a boat-load of life and mind altering pain. Yes I have been very open on these pages about my emotional & physical reactions, including the temporary and fleeting desire to end my own life for lack of a realistic solution and the unlikely-hood of a permanent healing.
As the song says: Now "what's a POOR BOY to do?" To use a "surfer-esk" description I would say that it has come the time to just get out there and ride that Big-Ass, F**king wave. It's there....it isn't going away so go and ride the mother....who knows...despite the possibility of major pain/torment, death and/or destruction...I might actually discover that I like it and am good at it.
That's right folks...though I have tried to stay positive and true...there are times that I have failed in that endeavor mightily and slipped into self-pity and feeling sorry for myself. I shall be honest here...considering what's happening, I am NOT going to be too hard on myself for that. Truth is that this situation whether it be "God's Will" or not totally SUCKS and it is not really natural, common or to be "expected". So I am going to continue to cut myself some slack about it.
But the reality is for me that I need to sh*t or get off the freaking pot. Time to acknowledge, confront and then embrace the damn MONKEY On Me Back. I need to begin the acceptance phase...even though I am honestly not yet sure about what I am going to do: Amputate the right leg below the knee or try another Fusion, albeit a much more time consuming, painful and risky procedure then the last attempt.
Either way I am not quitting, shirking my responsibility to live my life fully or dodging reality through the old habits of drug/alcohol abuse. Trust me...the realities of more long term painful recovery or amputation pale in comparison to once again attempting to survive the absolute HORROR of active addiction. God willing...it is not ever going to be an option.
I have my Faith and I will let all of you in on a wee little secret...though I have truly been tested to the outer limits of my tolerance and endurance....that once little microscopic sliver of Faith I began with has blown-up into an absolute mountain of it today.
So the fight begins and I will Freakin' FIGHT...for my life, my sanity, for Kim and lastly....for MYSELF. I have no way of truly knowing if this is just the beginning of more pain and torture or I am embarking on a journey that will ultimately Define and MARK ME for LIFE.
No Matter what....I am more then ready to begin, AGAIN.