Never in my life have I experienced the feeling of utter powerlessness as I have several times in the last few days. For the last 90 minutes or so I hadn't the energy to move from the floor of my bedroom where I had to just stop and lie down because I no longer had the strength to proceed the last 3 feet to my bed. I wanted to move...to get up yet I could not. I recall having the thought: "Is this dying?" And I had no answer because I considered it possible that it just might be....
I cannot keep doing this....clinging desperately to a fantasy of recovery....of HOPE. I'm kidding myself....I am, I know that I am. I repeatedly find myself thinking and saying this. I realize this sounds quite dramatic but I exaggerate NOT...I am far to fatigued right now to find food or or even go to the rest room.
And then a slight uptick in the energy level...just enough to rise, ever so slowly and make my move toward mobility. The hopelessness lessons but never releases it's iron grip on me...it will be a fight to death...I can only cling to the slight possibility that it isn't my own.
I turn my face to the Invisible Sun and pray for the light...the heat, to become the strength to once again...persevere...survive for just one more day.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Comment