Friday, March 2, 2012
Water Fall Of Tears (Grace & Disgrace)
Today I was watching an online video of a sermon a Pastor Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church in the Seattle, WA Area gave as part of a series on marriage. The subject was sexual assault victims...after 14 years of marriage he discovered his wife Grace had been a victim of SA and hadn't really realized it. This marriage series is based on a Book/Sermon Series he wrote and she wrote this Chapter 7 on Sexual Assault called Grace and Disgrace.
I was watching the video and as I was, I typically tend to look at stuff dealing with rape/sexual assault with a rather wary and cynical eye...and watching this series was no different. 25 minutes in I thought it was a pretty good discussion of sexual assault and how it affects people...not earth shattering by any means but solid...I agreed with a lot of the back ground info he was giving on how SA victims historically react to what has
happened to them. He used a rather simple approach to label and describe each persona or role victims will play...saying they often will fall into one of 4 groups:
The Good Person- Overcompensating for the "BAD" that happened to them.
Overtly Religious Person- Similar to Good Person but more extreme with a spiritual bent
Party Person - Pretty self-explanatory if you ask me.
Tough Person - The experience of SA hardens them and they won't let Anything "touch" them again including emotions.
My experience over the years has led me to agree with his assessment for the most part. I have kind of seen these roles and how Rape victims have latched onto a certain persona...it (in our minds) protects us.
He had gotten to the third role, the Party Person and he started to talk about a young woman who 8-10 years ago had come to him for counseling about her being sexual assaulted/molested as a little girl. She was partying very hard and living on the edge ...a lot of un-protected sex, using hard drugs sometimes spending time with a rather HARD crowd. She was really trashing herself by the lifestyle she was living and really didn't seem to care. So he asked her why she was living this way...did she like it, wasn't she afraid?
And he said her answer was chilling...one of the most tragic things he'd ever heard in all the years he had counseled people. She replied: "Pastor Mark...I am a Dirty Girl and Dirty Girls to Dirty Things..." which was the same exact thing her Grandfather made her say every time he left her bedroom at night after he raped her.
I just lost it...I'm still losing it...I guess I'll always be losing it. I know exactly how she feels...so worthless, so much like a piece of garbage. Well 5 minutes after I heard that and I'm losing it...Kim comes walking in and I can't stop sobbing.
I am so damn tired of this rape memory and it's aftermath never going AWAY! I want it to disappear, OK...I've dealt with it a hundred freaking times why do I still HURT?! WHY!!??
I mean I'm OK but I'm not...or not ever going to be completely healed or it's always going to be there. I was not prepared for the water fall of tears...the terrible cascade of negative feelings pouring down all over me again.
That my friends is how this works sometimes. I have not really thought about the rape much lately...I mean it's always there in it's own way but I was not directly hurting about it right now but something like this which frankly was very positive and helpful just triggered this...and it wiped me out. I don't know who this woman is...all I know is 10 years ago she lived in Seattle, Washington but I suspect if I saw her...and could look into her eyes...I'd KNOW her.
Actually when it comes right down to it, I "KNOW" them ALL...