I can just sense that there are regular readers out there that are starting to wonder if I write about anything other then Sexual Assault anymore. And the answer is of course I do...Just not this morning!
And the simple truth is that looking back at the end of my time here on earth, today may turn out to be one of if not THE most significant days in my healing from SA (Sexual Assault). Pretty big words there, huh?! That is saying something considering that I once believed just getting myself to talk about it at all was once as good as I thought I'd be able to get. And I have moved well past that down the healing road but there had been difficulties and there still are.
The last several days there are a multitude of posts on this subject but I will reference the first one and go from there. This post: "Waterfall Of Tears (Grace and Disgrace)" was inspired, for lack of a better word by a video sermon from Pastor Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church. Usually I do not really like most sermons I hear and I have never cared for one (though there haven't been that many really) I've heard on the subject of SA or child molestation. Honestly there are parts of this video I am not very comfortable with. In my mind "The Church" does a lousy job dealing with this subject.
And I don't blame them...it ain't an easy thing to discuss for anyone..particularly at the public level. Why would the institution of the Church have some special ability to cope with it that society at large doesn't...unless of course GOD himself personally intervenes...and frankly, I have not seen nor heard of that happening myself. So the bottom line it was unusual for me to be sitting at my desk listening to a 70 minute long sermon about a subject that I never really feel anyone is qualified to discuss anyway...unless of course they are a SA victim themselves.
Turns out the Pastor's wife, Grace was molested/sexually assaulted. Anyway...I was listening and a certain part of what I heard hit a nerve and I mean it hit it HARD...and in the process split the main waterline to my tear ducts because I just broke down listening to him describe a young woman who obviously hated herself for what had happened to her and the fact that her feelings and my feeling were so similar then and now.
So I started posting on the subject and in the process I sent the link to the video to my friend and Pastor Shayne. Most regular readers know that I have gone through a fair share of therapy, including extensive trauma therapy. Well in the course of writing all these posts and discussing this stuff it occurred to me that I have NEVER dealt with this subject of rape...of my rape on a purely, personal SPIRITUAL Level.
I emailed Shayne and asked him if we could perhaps discuss the subject and he agreed. That is what I am doing today at 10:30a this morning.
I...like a lot of people do wonder how a loving GOD can let stuff like this happen to people. Why would he? What is the purpose? Is there a purpose or is this just the manifestation of Man's free-will...and we are reaping what was SOWED!!
It became very obvious to me that I had not dealt with this from a spiritual perspective. That actually, when I got down right honest with myself about it...I had not dealt with this in a spiritual manner at all and now believe that it is way past time that I did. Perhaps that is why I periodically am still experiencing these "flare ups" where some thing (like a pastor's sermon on video) sets me off and for 3 or 4 days I am reliving everything again, questioning myself, asking GOD these impossible questions.
So that is what I am going to try and get at today. I have a very open and honest relationship with Shayne so I am comfortable talking with him about it but he does have a tendency to ask tough questions that sometime I struggle with but that is exactly what I need.
So I am going to my usual theology study at 8a this morning then head over to the church to meet with Shayne at 10:30a. We usually meet at a local coffee shop when we get together but I have requested meeting at the church in case it gets emotional...I think that's kind of a No-Brain-er actually.
So I am really kind of ready to go there spiritually and see what that leads me to....I'll update everyone at some point later on, it's a really full day!