Um, ah.....yea, I'm a bastard.

Peek-a-boo....yea, I made it through the holidays with minimal amounts of irritation. 'Ya gotta love family but it 'tis true that 'ya always don't really like'em very much. There is a hint, a whiff of truth to that statement in my case. But I think that some of it is that I don't care for people in general very much especially when they interfere w/my routine.The best way to describe having my fam visit...is to say it's a hassle, it's inconvenient w/little in the way of stimulation to make my sacrifice worthwhile except I feel like I'm being nice which actually makes me feel good. I know, I'm being a dick but seriously, they are very robotic, unenthusiastic people. When I was in a semi-functional drug induced coma while practicing my addiction I was more entertaining, more enthusiastic, more involved then this crew is. My god they sit and ....sit some more. Play video games and watch dance reality shows on the tube...that's it.Yikes I'm being a bastard but I feel really freaked out by it all...I want to help but that is the way they are.

I think I better just not say anymore....I do love them and I try to be more tolerant and I am. Hey I realize this is pretty much my problem...I think they like the way they are. So I guess more power to them but it is hard to have them as guests though I will say that things have improved....a little.I just which they would help mom more and now help me more. I just can't see it happening.....oh well, we made it until next time. Probably the 4th of July....

25 December, 2009

Merry Christmas 5am

Peace and Serenity to one and all........

Island...I'm on.

Ok, ok it is time for the holiday visits to begin. The sis and fam arrive tonight from Dayton. I used to dread a family get together but actually enjoy them now. The difference? I'm more accepting of others plus my agenda is now much different. I used to resent the fact I really couldn't drink the way I wanted to so I chose to not drink....that of course put me in a less then agreeable state of mind. I acted decently but I wasn't doing what i wanted to do and I couldn't get outta of there fast enough to get home and resume the typical pattern of drinking myself to sleep each and every night.

I can feel restless, no doubt but I don't miss that life. The end was a nightmare of sickness, hopelessness, pain, suffering and to top it off general self-hatred followed by planned self-destruction. I failed in the last part and I'm thankful that I did but it was a very close thing...very, very close.

Ever fished? Like on a dock and you hook a bluegill and pull it up, it comes off the hook and flip-flops around? You try and catch it but instead of stopping to let you help it, even if your going to throw it back it still flips and it still flops. That is how I've felt often times in my sobriety...like a fish outta water. Honestly I never felt like I fit in or belonged when I was drinking either but at some point in that madness I stopped giving a shit. Now I feel it very intensely and yes....it can bother me. I try to like who I am but it can be a struggle at times.

I live a life where I try and think of others as much as I do myself. I am extremely selfish by nature, perhaps we all are to a degree but me...I was extreme. Just like I do everything there was no moderation, it was selfishness to the maximum. I only thought of you if it fit into my plan already and then I played the hero or Martyr by acting like I was making a big, fucking sacrifice...I was a phony. Makes me queasy even now to think about it.

 But deep down that truly wasn't who I was...I really cared about others but my addiction dictated my need...I had to feed that need. Addictions are always hungry and must be constantly fed or they will devour you. Actually they will devour you eventually anyway but it will happen much faster if you starve it, tee hee.

I know that isn't funny and it sure as heck wasn't funny then either. I did not know any other way...that was they way I functioned. It felt very natural at the time but looking back it wasn't and it was quite a sick way to live as well. I did what I had to do to function, that was all. And that was all I was capable of: just exisiting...eventually even that becomes impossible, then the shit hits the fan and it certainly did. I then focused inward, I turned all my current emotion: hate, anger, resentment, fear, onto myself then the real fun began...I simply did not care. I drank and did drugs with a vengeance that even I cannot comprehend to this day. I was daring fate to come and get me, I taunted God. I always identified with the Lt Dan scene in Forrest Gump where he rides the Hurricane out up on the mast of the boat cussing out God the whole time. "Fuck You, come and get me you bastard...' yep, that's how it went. I lived that way but it wasn't a movie. Nope...it was my life...a tragedy, a comedy....albeit a dark, black comedy, then a horror flick followed by even more darkness, etc, etc.

And then I tried to do IT, came really close and I got yanked off that carousel and over time have found a real life. It can be hard but hell, nobody ever said life was easy, at least not to me. But I like to be able to help other people...I really enjoy that. There is a reward in being of service to others that defies my ability to describe it but it is what makes my life so enjoyable today. Giving myself to others for no other reason then I can and I want to...whoa that was really hard for me to understand at first but it didn't take long for me to discover how rewarding it is.

I guess what I've been trying to say here is I'm looking forward to having company for the rest of the week and I really mean it, no shit.....

Frolic, Snide the Snipit on Sandpiper Pier

Slow now, no not now, can't go home again
Feel it begin then end to end and
Set the light on distant hillside free
Bright color reflects an odd shaped edge
Of a heart grown old, forgotten cold
It lingers soft, regretful and filled w/fear-bound fret
It was here then it was there beware the I
An eye set fireside free-fall concert hall
Music wafting clear of air, compressed, repressed free
Hair raising scent of hate between birth
Two ton stone chiseled iron gate pressed
Faces three, look up to blue wonder in wire
Thunder clap the clown flapjack kitty
Requires yonder holler for the frolic
Yea, it's all about the frolic, Ach

Haunting

My eyes burn, kinda of an itch-burn-sandpaper feel to 'em today. I believe I've been thinking to much through me eyes and not just w/me brain, if that makes a lick 'o sense to anyone else well, I'll be surprised.....so surprise me dammit.



I long, for ....Jesus i don't know, something I suppose, different then what I have been experiencing of late. Maybe that is why the ole eyes feel the way they do....I'm filtering thoughts through them and it is bothering me more and more.

Lately, that old feeling of being haunted, like being tailed by a spectre from the past, is back....interestedly enough I used to gather comfort from that realization but not so much these days as I strive to move toward lighter things in life.

I know that today I do not long for the past...perhaps I long for just plain life experiences w/more variety then the routines I have these days. I don't care for the self-destructive activities from long ago yet I miss the....unknown? The excitement?, perhaps that's it....not sure. I'm really not sure so I'll continue to ponder.....I am certain that I no longer want to suffer for the sake of having experiences and I'm quite certain that is what I tended to do in those dark and troubled days w/out light. But I miss the energy of living hard, pushing, prodding, giving everyone the finger and laughing at the darkness staring back at me. Was I haunted or was I the haunting? Never really know but I have a feeling.....


Came accross this song by Slipknot yesterday...I never really got into them but the lyrics hit rather close to home and dredged up a slew of repressed feelings, cleaned, pressed, folded and put away from my past. Yes, they are about U, Ach her....I'd really like to not think about such things any more but hey, if it comes up, I say spit it out and let 'er go. No sense letting it burn another hole in my soul, so to speak. So I'll let them speak for me this fine, snowy day on the Island:

Snuff: By Slipknot

Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again
so if you love me let me go And run away before I know
My heart is just too dark to careI can?t destroy what isn?t there
Deliver me into my fate If I?m alone I cannot hate
I don?t deserve to have you Ooh, my smile was taken long ago
If I can change I hope I never know I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn?t face a life without your lights
But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight
So save your breath, I will not care I think I made it very clear
You couldn?t hate enough to love Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren?t my friend Then I could hurt you in the end
I never claimed to be a saint Ooh, my own was banished long ago
It took the death of hope to let you go
So break yourself against my stones And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help You sold me out to save yourself
And I won?t listen to your shame You ran away, you?re all the same
Angels lie to keep control Ooh, my love was punished long ago
If you still care don?t ever let me know
If you still care don?t ever let me know

Cold. Cruel thought, another goodbye?

This Sunday past, 13 December, 2009 another person I knew went away....he lost his life to his addiction. This isn't the first time that I've lost a friend to alcoholism/drugs. Frankly, it hardly fazes me that much anymore. Sure I'm angry about it...he had been sober for some 15 yrs at one point but life ain't fair and it certainly rages on whether I happen to like it or not. Typically it seems, he leaves loved one's behind...in this case a teenage boy who adored him. If there is a tragedy to the story, that's it. His kid suffers now for his sins.....and for all I know he is sittin' on a fucking cloud somewhere more at peace now then he ever was in this life while the rest of us, his kid included still suck on it day by shitty day.....ach, I don't really believe that but those left here to deal with their loss are the ones who seem to suffer most. Me....I'm just full of contradicting emotions about life in general just like I always am....another damn day on the planet.

The point of this is, I suppose that I need to vent or I do get fazed by stuff like life being life. Because that is what this is all about...learning to live this life on it's own terms. I'm pretty damn convinced that there isn't a whole lot I can do to stop someone from doping themselves to death if indeed they are hell bent on doing so. I've tried, repeatedly to help folks that don't want to help themselves. In the end...I was always the one who lost, who paid the terrible price of guilt, pain, fear....feeling totally helpless to save my friend. And they do what they want to do...

Of course, in my own time I was there too....and honestly when you're dope sick and scared, feeling death breathing down your neck you aren't really thinking 'bout how you can help yourself....all that matters is the next drink or shot or pill or all of the above, it does not matter at that point just make the pain go away.....and it does....for now. And you play that game until fate intervenes and you get a moment of clarity and a chance to stop that train or more likely your body gives out and your teenage son gets to suffer for your sins. And life goes on....

Just my thoughts and feelings folks....I imagine everybody sees this in there on way....that's cool w/me. I'm not a preacher or a counselor or anti-booze or drugs. I could care less what other folks do in their own lives....this is just me reacting to losing another friend, that's all.

Oh God

Well, not really sure why I have decided to blog again but I imagine my freakin' ego won't allow me to "not" draw attention to myself somehow, so this must be it!

Honestly, deep down I have always felt driven to express myself with the written word yet only occasionally have I ever really followed through and written anything. This is my attempt to change that. I have a tendency to cover a great deal of ground in terms of subject matter though I have no particular axe to grind at this time. This isn't a political blog, or a philosophical, religious, medical, sports orientated, intellectual, spiritual or any other specific kind of blog though sooner or later I imagine I'll cover some or all of the above subjects and many more to be sure.

I am not a professional writer as most of you already know if you have gotten this far....I just dig words....

So here we go....Just another day on the planet, yea but a special day too 'cause I get to launch me new blog.

Peace..smiles....T