Ok, ok it is time for the holiday visits to begin. The sis and fam arrive tonight from Dayton. I used to dread a family get together but actually enjoy them now. The difference? I'm more accepting of others plus my agenda is now much different. I used to resent the fact I really couldn't drink the way I wanted to so I chose to not drink....that of course put me in a less then agreeable state of mind. I acted decently but I wasn't doing what i wanted to do and I couldn't get outta of there fast enough to get home and resume the typical pattern of drinking myself to sleep each and every night.
I can feel restless, no doubt but I don't miss that life. The end was a nightmare of sickness, hopelessness, pain, suffering and to top it off general self-hatred followed by planned self-destruction. I failed in the last part and I'm thankful that I did but it was a very close thing...very, very close.
Ever fished? Like on a dock and you hook a bluegill and pull it up, it comes off the hook and flip-flops around? You try and catch it but instead of stopping to let you help it, even if your going to throw it back it still flips and it still flops. That is how I've felt often times in my sobriety...like a fish outta water. Honestly I never felt like I fit in or belonged when I was drinking either but at some point in that madness I stopped giving a shit. Now I feel it very intensely and yes....it can bother me. I try to like who I am but it can be a struggle at times.
I live a life where I try and think of others as much as I do myself. I am extremely selfish by nature, perhaps we all are to a degree but me...I was extreme. Just like I do everything there was no moderation, it was selfishness to the maximum. I only thought of you if it fit into my plan already and then I played the hero or Martyr by acting like I was making a big, fucking sacrifice...I was a phony. Makes me queasy even now to think about it.
But deep down that truly wasn't who I was...I really cared about others but my addiction dictated my need...I had to feed that need. Addictions are always hungry and must be constantly fed or they will devour you. Actually they will devour you eventually anyway but it will happen much faster if you starve it, tee hee.
I know that isn't funny and it sure as heck wasn't funny then either. I did not know any other way...that was they way I functioned. It felt very natural at the time but looking back it wasn't and it was quite a sick way to live as well. I did what I had to do to function, that was all. And that was all I was capable of: just exisiting...eventually even that becomes impossible, then the shit hits the fan and it certainly did. I then focused inward, I turned all my current emotion: hate, anger, resentment, fear, onto myself then the real fun began...I simply did not care. I drank and did drugs with a vengeance that even I cannot comprehend to this day. I was daring fate to come and get me, I taunted God. I always identified with the Lt Dan scene in Forrest Gump where he rides the Hurricane out up on the mast of the boat cussing out God the whole time. "Fuck You, come and get me you bastard...' yep, that's how it went. I lived that way but it wasn't a movie. Nope...it was my life...a tragedy, a comedy....albeit a dark, black comedy, then a horror flick followed by even more darkness, etc, etc.
And then I tried to do IT, came really close and I got yanked off that carousel and over time have found a real life. It can be hard but hell, nobody ever said life was easy, at least not to me. But I like to be able to help other people...I really enjoy that. There is a reward in being of service to others that defies my ability to describe it but it is what makes my life so enjoyable today. Giving myself to others for no other reason then I can and I want to...whoa that was really hard for me to understand at first but it didn't take long for me to discover how rewarding it is.
I guess what I've been trying to say here is I'm looking forward to having company for the rest of the week and I really mean it, no shit.....