I long, for ....Jesus i don't know, something I suppose, different then what I have been experiencing of late. Maybe that is why the ole eyes feel the way they do....I'm filtering thoughts through them and it is bothering me more and more.
Lately, that old feeling of being haunted, like being tailed by a spectre from the past, is back....interestedly enough I used to gather comfort from that realization but not so much these days as I strive to move toward lighter things in life.
I know that today I do not long for the past...perhaps I long for just plain life experiences w/more variety then the routines I have these days. I don't care for the self-destructive activities from long ago yet I miss the....unknown? The excitement?, perhaps that's it....not sure. I'm really not sure so I'll continue to ponder.....I am certain that I no longer want to suffer for the sake of having experiences and I'm quite certain that is what I tended to do in those dark and troubled days w/out light. But I miss the energy of living hard, pushing, prodding, giving everyone the finger and laughing at the darkness staring back at me. Was I haunted or was I the haunting? Never really know but I have a feeling.....
Came accross this song by Slipknot yesterday...I never really got into them but the lyrics hit rather close to home and dredged up a slew of repressed feelings, cleaned, pressed, folded and put away from my past. Yes, they are about U, Ach her....I'd really like to not think about such things any more but hey, if it comes up, I say spit it out and let 'er go. No sense letting it burn another hole in my soul, so to speak. So I'll let them speak for me this fine, snowy day on the Island:
Snuff: By Slipknot
Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again
so if you love me let me go And run away before I know
My heart is just too dark to careI can?t destroy what isn?t there
Deliver me into my fate If I?m alone I cannot hate
I don?t deserve to have you Ooh, my smile was taken long ago
If I can change I hope I never know I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn?t face a life without your lights
But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight
So save your breath, I will not care I think I made it very clear
You couldn?t hate enough to love Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren?t my friend Then I could hurt you in the end
I never claimed to be a saint Ooh, my own was banished long ago
It took the death of hope to let you go
So break yourself against my stones And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help You sold me out to save yourself
And I won?t listen to your shame You ran away, you?re all the same
Angels lie to keep control Ooh, my love was punished long ago
If you still care don?t ever let me know
If you still care don?t ever let me know
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