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Thursday, December 17, 2009

Cold. Cruel thought, another goodbye?

This Sunday past, 13 December, 2009 another person I knew went away....he lost his life to his addiction. This isn't the first time that I've lost a friend to alcoholism/drugs. Frankly, it hardly fazes me that much anymore. Sure I'm angry about it...he had been sober for some 15 yrs at one point but life ain't fair and it certainly rages on whether I happen to like it or not. Typically it seems, he leaves loved one's this case a teenage boy who adored him. If there is a tragedy to the story, that's it. His kid suffers now for his sins.....and for all I know he is sittin' on a fucking cloud somewhere more at peace now then he ever was in this life while the rest of us, his kid included still suck on it day by shitty day.....ach, I don't really believe that but those left here to deal with their loss are the ones who seem to suffer most. Me....I'm just full of contradicting emotions about life in general just like I always am....another damn day on the planet.

The point of this is, I suppose that I need to vent or I do get fazed by stuff like life being life. Because that is what this is all about...learning to live this life on it's own terms. I'm pretty damn convinced that there isn't a whole lot I can do to stop someone from doping themselves to death if indeed they are hell bent on doing so. I've tried, repeatedly to help folks that don't want to help themselves. In the end...I was always the one who lost, who paid the terrible price of guilt, pain, fear....feeling totally helpless to save my friend. And they do what they want to do...

Of course, in my own time I was there too....and honestly when you're dope sick and scared, feeling death breathing down your neck you aren't really thinking 'bout how you can help yourself....all that matters is the next drink or shot or pill or all of the above, it does not matter at that point just make the pain go away.....and it does....for now. And you play that game until fate intervenes and you get a moment of clarity and a chance to stop that train or more likely your body gives out and your teenage son gets to suffer for your sins. And life goes on....

Just my thoughts and feelings folks....I imagine everybody sees this in there on way....that's cool w/me. I'm not a preacher or a counselor or anti-booze or drugs. I could care less what other folks do in their own lives....this is just me reacting to losing another friend, that's all.

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