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Tuesday, January 28, 2014

I'm Afraid That...I Am Afraid!

From Pink Floyd The WALL
I've been going through a period of time where it has been very difficult to write. And unfortunately I know the origin of that difficulty. In the last 7.5 years since I have been clean & sober, i have not faced a set of circumstances financially like I am facing today.

I have covered this ground before specifically and you know what, I'm not going there again. I guess I have felt like I had to explain the details of my situation to verify that this is not a case of a person running amok with credit cards or poor money management. That I have just paid my bills. I suppose I keep doing that because I know how quick we humans are to judge.

I have had my butt kicked so thoroughly by these circumstances that I no longer think very highly of myself...never a real issue anyway for low self esteem is my middle name...but I have lost faith with people in general.

Never very trusting to begin with (not all that unusual for a rape victim to feel this way i suppose) I feel betrayed by people I once truly trusted. I followed advice given to me by people I respect, I attempted to get help from agencies or organizations that are there to help. What I found was total and complete rejection. I've never felt so unwanted, so alone or so isolated. I'm heartbroken and deflated.

It is difficult to describe accurately the sense of complete failure that I feel. Typically during times of difficulty or trouble I would find a way to reach out to someone who is hurting. Over the last several years that would mean going to M-ville (An assisted Living Home and reading the Bible to the residents there. That was truly a gift from God, the ability to read to shut ins or residents of assisted living.

That physical ability to read and minister in that fashion has been taken away from me. Most people have no clue I did this stuff because other then Masonville I never spoke to anyone about it. I just kept that stuff to myself.

As I sit here tonight at 3:50am after another sleepless night, I can only write that I am really afraid right now. I don't know what to do other then pray and frankly I am losing the physical and spiritual strength to do even that! I haven't been able to eat or sleep....I feel mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally spent.

I desperately need help yet everywhere I have turned I have been rejected. Seems weird....I never could or would give up on people yet it seems like I have been forgotten.

I have to go...sorry for this folks but this is my reality tonight...hopelessness.                                                                                                  


  1. I didn't realize that I hadn't been reading any blogs for such a long period of time. A few days ago, but perhaps a week ago already, I popped over here to see how you were doing and I ended up reading all your posts for an entire year. January 24, 2014 I think it was, all the way back to January 21, 2013 where I had posted a comment. Once again, you've been through a crapload.

    The odd thing is that in the past few years, I too went through a financial crisis, not because I was reckless or irresponsible or using money for entertainment purposes, but because I came to a point in my life when a change was required, as I lost my full time job of over 20 years and took a huge risk, personally and financially to start my own business. Ultimately this was a self-inflicted crisis situation, whereas yours is involuntary, being medical in nature, for which you had no control over. It brought to mind what many did during the Great Depression, facing financial ruin and despair. I do not know how many times I sat there in the dark saying "What am I going to do?" over and over. I then found myself saying three words that I NEVER thought I would ever say ... 'I need help." I suppose you could say it became a mantra and a prayer of sorts. I ended up breaking down and asking for help, in addition to getting further assistance in refinancing and doing a debt consolidation. I am still in debt for a slightly larger sum now, except that it is almost manageable after starting to get back on my feet. I know that in your case it will not be this easy, but I have to hope that you will figure something out and that the help you so desperately need, will come.

    A little too much information, but what the heck... Just wanted to let you know I'm in your corner. Keep on hanging on.

    1. SG- What a real treat it is to hear from you and your comments and observations are most welcome.

      I have not really been reading other blogs myself, mainly because I was just bogged down in my own troubles.Actually your example hits a lot closer to home then you thingy, You are also right about there are times when we need help. Since this has been going on for a year there have been times I have gotten help.

      I appreciate that your there and thank you for the support. I've missed you and your blog posts so i think I need to get back in the saddle and start reading again....T