|From Pink Floyd The WALL|
I have covered this ground before specifically and you know what, I'm not going there again. I guess I have felt like I had to explain the details of my situation to verify that this is not a case of a person running amok with credit cards or poor money management. That I have just paid my bills. I suppose I keep doing that because I know how quick we humans are to judge.
I have had my butt kicked so thoroughly by these circumstances that I no longer think very highly of myself...never a real issue anyway for low self esteem is my middle name...but I have lost faith with people in general.
Never very trusting to begin with (not all that unusual for a rape victim to feel this way i suppose) I feel betrayed by people I once truly trusted. I followed advice given to me by people I respect, I attempted to get help from agencies or organizations that are there to help. What I found was total and complete rejection. I've never felt so unwanted, so alone or so isolated. I'm heartbroken and deflated.
It is difficult to describe accurately the sense of complete failure that I feel. Typically during times of difficulty or trouble I would find a way to reach out to someone who is hurting. Over the last several years that would mean going to M-ville (An assisted Living Home and reading the Bible to the residents there. That was truly a gift from God, the ability to read to shut ins or residents of assisted living.
That physical ability to read and minister in that fashion has been taken away from me. Most people have no clue I did this stuff because other then Masonville I never spoke to anyone about it. I just kept that stuff to myself.
As I sit here tonight at 3:50am after another sleepless night, I can only write that I am really afraid right now. I don't know what to do other then pray and frankly I am losing the physical and spiritual strength to do even that! I haven't been able to eat or sleep....I feel mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally spent.
I desperately need help yet everywhere I have turned I have been rejected. Seems weird....I never could or would give up on people yet it seems like I have been forgotten.
I have to go...sorry for this folks but this is my reality tonight...hopelessness.