During the nearly 11 months since my initial injury and subsequent treatment attempts, surgeries, hospitalizations, etc and now the 11 week recovery period with no walking what so ever, the days are long, sometimes difficult, always painful yet mostly tolerable....the nights however are just plain HELL.
Oddly the pain intensifies...or so it seems. More then likely I am just more focused on it because there is nothing but me and the quiet NIGHT....so there is nothing to distract me from thinking about it all constantly. I have never been able to adjust and get more then 20 or 30 minutes of sleep at most during this long ordeal.
So I find myself alone with my imagination...we do not make good company, I assure you. I get fearful that I will just not recover. That I will be a cripple...doubled over with arthritis and nerve damage pain from my Nueropathy.
It is seemingly a good time to strengthen my faith in the Lord yet I find myself questioning HIM more and more often. I get fretful and don't communicate (PRAY) with HIM even though I know how well that works when I've practiced regular prayer & meditation.
I know people care yet I feel isolated from my friends, from my family and society as a whole. I often feel alone in a crowd and for the first time since I started to attend again...at Church.
Yet it is the night which HAUNTS me most...driving away any rational thought with pain thus making room for irrational fear to move in and control my mood and my behavior. It is a constant struggle to stay connected with my Creator and keep it together.
And yet I often overcome that adversity, thank GOD! And those are victories I will take any time...any day.
PHOTO: Kathy Tomson