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Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Staring Down The SHADOW-MAN

I posted the other day that after 6 weeks of IV Anti-Biotic blood tests verified that the infection is still alive and well coursing through my blood.

I am now really starting to FEEL what "still alive and well" actually means in reality. The Translation: I am as sick as a dog! Fever, cramps, spasms and sever body aches. It is beginning to try my faith and endurance and push into territory that I feel I'd really rather not experience and tempt fate.

What that means is that I begin to feel like my sanity is threatened.....when someone is subjected to constant, continuous debilitating pain, with no let up and no end in sight...I start thinking that I will always feel this way and I want out....and I mean the ultimate OUT. This is incredibly difficult to admit but I seriously gave thought to the idea of putting a bullet in my head and I'll be was much more then a passing thought. I considered it for a long....long time.

If that confession makes you uncomfortable well, I don't really care...just imagine how a person must feel and for how long they have felt it to find themselves thinking that way. I'd like to say there was a big flash and I no longer felt that way but instead I just dug in and willed my way through it a minute at a time. And honestly, I could NOT think of a good reason NOT to do it. The truth is that God didn't intervene in any spectacular way...I just didn't do it for a reason I don't really know...because...I just didn't.

I've never felt so alone in my life. I don't feel or sense anyone else in the whole world around me right now. Illness such as this isolate a person, it singles them out for soul-searing abuse...It can hurt so badly that all perspective leaves you and suffering is all that is left. And this is where I find myself right now...I am there...and I am not exaggerating.

Sickness not only isolates but it divides...driving a wedge between myself and others. I no longer trust people who love me.  I know they've tired of me not recovering and I sense they are just going through the motions when they write "Praying" on one's FaceBook Page. OK that's cool but it no longer means much when I no longer have HOPE. When despair sets in and isolation runs the show, PAIN & Suffering dominate all and I can see no saving Grace anywhere or in anyone.

So Sorry...I am only HERE and this was ME.

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