I have lived over half a century and I do not feel I am exaggerating when I state that I have lived life hard and put it away wet. People that have known me only a short period of time will wonder about that statement but I assure you...I was a crazy bastard for many a year.
Though I had a career....and a family I deeply cared about....I often balanced those things with a penchant to push the envelope of life. A hard drinking, drug doing hombre who loved (loves) Impressionist Art and Mozart and Ballet and Sky-Diving and History...I have baffled folks all my life with my apparent contradictory behavior, lifestyle and personality. A man of who happily wears many hats and uniforms...I have always reveled in the fact that I never fit easily into any wee-little box.
Much to my horror and chagrin...my latest long term illness has acted as an equalizer....balancing out the peaks and valleys of said personality and lifestyle...eliminating the extreme contrasts and contradictions...the end result is that I have become invisibly average, uninterested and boring.
This blog and the posts of the last 18 months illustrate this theory quite clearly. I no longer describe the harrowing journey from addiction to recovery or from battered, beat-up and abused victim of rape to describing endless bouts of infection and time spent with diarrhea on the can.
This blog was always meant to be about A LIFE, captured in day to day segments....A DAILY LIFE which just happened to be my own so there is no avoiding this dilemma.
All I can do is persevere and press onward but it is heartbreaking when I realize what it is that I have lost and that it is now gone forever. More then just what little youth that had remained but HOPE, Enlightenment and any realistic shot a JOY. The only possible redemption for one in all this Cosmetic Messiness would be the outside chance of stumbling into TRUTH.
Perhaps the ultimate reason for suffering and the rational to embrace it and to persevere is that it is the only way to discover TRUTH. As much as I understand the significance of that potentiality....I am still not sure that I would consider all that I have endured to be a worth the cost that has been paid in full to reveal the TRUTH.