Not only do I write a blog and post on it daily but I am a loyal follower of a several really good blogs, covering things from sports to cooking to life experience/memoir...the genre that Shell Shock also falls into. Honestly the "Real Life" blogs are my favorite because they are just that: REAL. I will also read non-fiction over fiction every time! I lived life in a fantasy land for 30 odd years, I want REALITY even with the hard details...it's healthier and helpful, I get to find out how others do this "living life" thing. Christine Macdonald writes one of my favorite blogs and it was her POST today that inspired this one of mine tonight. The essence of it for me was about why people who have lived difficult lives (Christine lived a rock star type fantasy life as a former Stripper and Drug Addict in Hawaii beginning at age 19) can write about it. I can totally relate. As a recovering addict and rape survivor, I am frequently asked how I can even talk about such horror as being sexually assaulted. Or share the intimate details of my addiction and subsequent suicide attempt, that all led eventually to my recovery and ultimately HERE, to writing about it. The direct quote that inspired me tonight was:"I am giving purpose to my past, through the words I long to say, about a time I can't forget." I simply had never been able to articulate my rational for writing about myself quite that accurately. My natural response to the question was always that I was "saving my own ass" by writing about it. And that too is an honest to goodness reason why I do write about it. If I didn't get those poisonous, horrific memories out of my head & into the light, they would certainly eat me up inside...as a matter of fact it had already started to happen and as a result I'd tried to take my own life just before I finally sobered up for good. But by sharing that experience with others, I was also taking all those incredibly painful & negative memories and using them to accomplish something positive by helping someone....and that gives the horror some purpose. Ultimately, it meant that this stuff must have happened for a reason...a "Higher Purpose". So that comment and really the whole post hit me like a lightening bolt between the eyes...it gave some sense to the senseless and added a dash of purpose where I had never known it existed before. It certainly didn't make the experiences "worth it" but knowing there was a higher purpose beyond those difficult life experiences certainly gave me hope that the future could indeed be better...Because I could help someone by sharing the knowledge and wisdom gained by surviving the whole ordeal. My survival also provides real live hope that people can and do live through such things and it can get better. The true reality of writing Shell Shock Serenade for me is I can't "NOT WRITE about it"...Because something deep inside myself compels me to do it...it's almost an obsession...a daily obsession to LIVE! I really believe that if I didn't write about my addiction and surviving sexual assault, that my recovery would be impeded if not prevented by the overwhelming Emotional, Psychological and Spiritual damage done by living through those experiences. And for me that is an accepted fact of my life today and yes, a major motivation for my continuing to write. I now believe it is a critically essential part of my recovery program just like complete abstinence form booze/drugs and helping others. So far time has proven the theory out...over and over again!
I typically post more often then I have lately and I wasn't quite sure why that was. Not that the answer would be particularly earth shattering or anything but it seemed strange to me since I have been alive and living during this period of SILENCE. So what gives?! So typical of me this won't be a simple easy answer...it never is, since I always seem to be the exception to to the rules or react differently to things then the majority. Fatigue plays a role...sure it does and although I am often sleep deprived it will definitely still dull the edge and the desire to write away from me. I currently am totally bogged-down with the issues that are affecting K-Sue these days. And though it is understandable to want to try and help...to be compassionate and understanding about her difficulties, it's becomes self-defeating when it begins to over-take your own sense of responsibility, then begins to erode the quality of one's own life away. And that has certainly happened. I cannot recall a single day of my life since last FEBRUARY (that's right 10 freaking MONTHS ago!) where I haven't been worn down and pre-occupied with the issues and obstacles affecting her ability to make the transition to living here. Some times that is what it takes when you care about somebody and they are making huge changes in their life. I was not naive about the multitude of challenges facing her when this all started and I fully supported then and still do now her decision to turn her entire world around. She had no real choice if she wanted a crack at living a REAL life, full of love, respect and following her beliefs by abiding by them instead of a life of daily living in violation of them. And I couldn't think of anywhere else I wanted to be then right there helping her find freedom and self respect for the first time in her entire life. And though things can get a little hairy now and again...she is making it work. Today she was hired in with full benefits at the company where she has worked as a temp for the last 3 months...Way to GO, Babe!! So to get back to the original point of this post, I suppose it is understandable that I am not posting as often as I have...it isn't from lack of experiences...NOPE! It's from the fact that when it comes right down to it, I's rather take a crack at getting a little sleep then spending that time posting on the blog. For you long time readers as well as any new folks to THE SHOCK...hang in there with me...this too shall pass and I'll be blathering about just like I always do in no time flat! PHOTO: Kathy Tomson
Some interesting stuff going down in the old life these days...some good things are happening to some good people.... A very close friend of mine (and Ks) got to go home today after being in the hospital for a few days and that is really great news. I don't care for it when one of my friends is hurting and I cannot do anything to help them. I really don't want to jinx this situation....especially after all that we have been through but what I will dare to say at this point is: Someone that I care deeply about is starting their new, full time permanent job on Monday afternoon...no more working for the Temp Service....Ya-FREAKING-Hooo!!!! Pardon the reaction there, haha...regular readers will recall that there hasn't been a whole heck of a lot to get excited about in life lately so I will take advantage of this TREMENDOUS news. Things slowly but surely are beginning to make some sense though a lot is still out there that needs to be revealed. I'll see all of you on the morrow.
Life....as ART. Life Imitates art...an old (and accurate in my opinion) cliche. Me...I have actually never really pondered the thought before now, whether it...this LIFE of mine imitates art. I suppose it really matter's not in the realm of everyday reality. Life will go on...until it ends of course...no matter how I define it. But I like to turn things over in my brain...just because I can. John Lennon jotted a note to his oldest son Julian on a whim that: "Your Mind is a Muscle...it needs exercise to strengthen it". Hmm...corny, something a Dad would say to an uninterested son but I'll own it. I think about weird, seemingly meaningless stuff just because I can...and my brain, the far too few cells that remain unscathed...needs exercise it can get. I do look at the entire span of my lifetime...now in it's 51st year...as a gigantic oil painting...an Oil SCROLL if you were. The genre...well it changes depending on the age and mood and circumstance but typically it's Impressionistic. Since I was a wee lad I've always found solace fascination & TRUTH in Van Gogh, Degas, Renoir and Cezanne. But that is neither here nor there. What I find interesting is that each moment, activity, experience, even thought or idea is a brush stroke on the gigantic, timeless canvas scroll called THOM's LIFE. And any interesting observation I've made about that particular painting that is ME involves those very brush strokes. The era of ME as a young man, full of life was represented as MASSIVE, VIGOROUS, even TORMENTED brush-strokes...they are vividly colorful...they're huge...quite wide, long and appear to have been done without much thought, just vast, fast strokes of color representing one who very much LIVES for the MOMENT. And they cover vast areas of the canvas and there is definitely a certain "RUSH" when I think of the time so many years after the fact. As life moved on....periods of crisis are marked with dark, short, tedious nearly violent strokes...stabs, jabs and slashes across the once wide open space...they appear labored...perhaps tortured is a more accurate description. Life today however...is a constantly changing combination of the two techniques, still there is no pattern...no rhyme nor reason to it...just thick or thin, bright or dark cut into the Soul....but they have certainly real story to tell...yet they are not talking, at least in a language that's understood. It is a rich, cultural document on thark, thick, heavy paint laden highways of hope or despair written in blood...er, oil. Then thin almost transparent little lines of light in flight, wisps of oil as wind representing change or success maybe. I don't really know and I am not sure if it would be worthwhile to explore this in more detail...but of course I will! I can't approach it any other way.
No throwing verbal or written fire-bombs today...I really don't want to start any fights. I have not slept so I can't distinguish if this is Yesterday, Today or Tomorrow. Yet I sense whatever day or time it is that I have involuntarily gone into Information Over-load Prevention Lock-Down to keep the Sanity Train safely upright and on the tracks. Translation: After all of the election week Information and Image overload, combined with the very real pressure of the issues confronting K-Sue and myself, the sudden illness of a dear friend and some real concern about a family members well being....
Add to that the darn difficulty of just being ME and living with this messed up-mucked up BRAIN and my multitude of health Issues and PAIN...I can end up dancing on the RAZOR'S EDGE between the real and the imagined. Particularly when one adds in the fact that I CANNOT FREAKING SLEEP these days and I end up feeling much like a ticking human time-bomb. The saving grace in all of this and this is the TRUE difference maker: In spite of experiencing all that I just described...I have not once, for even a Nano-Second thought, considered or felt like taking a drink or using drugs. Honestly not one single time. That my friends is a real, honest to goodness MIRACLE and those who knew the "OLD ME" will attest to that. When people question my turning toward Faith and a belief in Following God this is all the answer that I need to provide. I tried for more then 30 years to quell or quiet those addiction Demon's and it was not until I sought DIVINE help did I begin to have a hair of a hope for recovery. And that recovery is an occasionally precarious thing sometimes though more often then not I am certain of success IF I keep my eye focused constantly on the Lord. I was a major skeptic folks...I mocked the idea of Jesus or a reliance on spiritual MUMBO-JUMBO. But the facts are facts...the only reason that I didn not die at my own hand, a hopeless pathetic drunken, addict was the direct intervention of God. There simply isn't any other explanation. And honestly...i used to feel that had to defend my belief or God himself somehow when people ridiculed that notion but today I could care less what people say...because I have a life that is so much fuller and brighter then I ever could have imagined. And that is ultimately what matters and what carries me through when I am dancing delicately along the Razor's Edge, when LIFE gets a wee bit HAIRY....during times like these.
Well another Presidential Election has come and gone....Though I am not able to look into the future (at least not most of the time) I pretty much predicted how this election ended up. The fact of the matter is that it is just plain hard to unseat the incumbent in a Presidential Election. Even so....It was pretty close as far as these things go.
I have mentioned before that I live in a household that holds more then one generation of my family and this includes my Mother/Father. Dad religiously watches Fox News from 7-11p every week day and most other days as well. Needless to say he is a staunch Republican and my Mum is too though I often think it is somewhat by default. My folks are in their late 70's and mid 80's and they are set in their ways which is understandable. Well they were completely shocked by the outcome of the election and my father had gotten frustrated with me earlier in the week when I cautioned him against too much optimism, IE: Trusting the information he was hearing on Fox News. He told me angrily that I was just being negative and critical because I was a born cynic and naturally disagreeable. Nope...I just choose to gather my facts using more then one information or news source and I don't take someone else's word for it...I try and use the brain God gave me and verify things for myself.
And that is a problem I see more of in our Cable News Television dominated world. Since all the information they received about the Election came from FN...well it was tainted and obviously slanted toward the right and in my opinion it was also overly optimistic about the outcome and sensationalistic about how the world would end if Obama was re-elected. Both of my parents are college grads and Pawps also has a Graduate Degree from Purdue, they are not ignorant people...just a little too trusting of the media they choose to get their news from. And this is a common problem I see today...
I still think ultimately that the individual has to be responsible for gathering the facts for themselves...sure, watch the news but watch or read from a variety of sources. Internet blogs (even this one) are NOT News sources folks! Funny how so many folks take Internet Info or stuff from an email as fact. I think many people were mislead by the press on both sides of the political fence...again there is no better reason to check out the facts for yourselves. I found it rather easy to wade through the BS and find the truth...it is not that difficult. But I must say I do feel a twinge of sadness that millions of senior Citizens thought the world had turned upside down because they really expected a change in the White house based on all the Malarkey being spread on F NEWS.
Frankly I am glad it's over...I found the whole election process tiresome, undignified and frankly ridiculous...it was a gigantic LYING CONTEST....The Best and BIGGEST freaking LIAR Wins. And that is the way we elect Presidents in America these days and that is what happened. I think both candidates lied, I have no doubt that they did but something I find particularly disturbing is the Benghazi Lies and cover-up.
I think it is pretty clear that the Government knew the Ambassador to Libya, Chris Stevens was in serious, mortal danger in our Embassy which is American Territory by International Law. It is now known that there were drones flying over the scene the entire time, providing real time video, the President knew exactly what was happening right away and watched it. We easily could have had troops there in a few hours yet after 9 hours of continuous attack by terrosits, help has still not even been summoned and as a result...4 Americans died.
Now that the Election is over, I think it will become clear that the US Government, through our Libyan Ambassador Stevens were selling weapons to Libyan "Freedom Fighters" to over-throw Muammar Qaddafi. The only problem was that they were al-Qaeda Operatives...and there is evidence that these are the very same group of men who planned and carried out this attack on our Embassy.
What am I suggesting here? That the reason President Obama and our Government did not help those men in Libya is they wanted the Ambassador to DIE to silence him....and they got their wish. See the President has set himself up as the man who single handedly crippled al-Qaeda by killing Osama bin Laden. It would have looked simply ridiculous if it turned out that his government was selling arms to that very same al_Qaeda organisation. They didn't want the Government Officials in Libya to talk...so they let them die. Far fetched you say Nobody would do such a thing...really? You're woefully NAIVE then...this kind of stuff happens all the time we just never hear of it...that is our reality today in this Big Bad WORLD we live in. Our County's Leaders LIE to us every day...I'm nearly numb to it at this point because it happens so frequently.
Now let us see if the country can truly begin to heal from the anger and mistrust created by this bitter election...I think it isn't likely to happen any time soon. The whole thing makes me sick...
It is Election Day, late afternoon and though I have been voting in Presidential Elections since the 1980 Reagan/Carter Election I would say without a doubt, that I find this one most exciting by far though my first vote in the Reagan/Carter Election was very exciting as well....And frankly, my dear blog reading friends...it's the most important election I've ever seen in my opinion as well. It's not like Presidential Elections aren't ALWAYS important...of course they are but this one seems even more so. I feel like the country's SOUL is at play and at STAKE here. The Obama's...Michelle and the President are both fond of using the phrase or some variation of it: "This is Not who we are" Or "this I what we are all about" Or It's NOT the way we are", etc. I very much believe this election is about defining just exactly WHO we ARE & what we are all ABOUT." I'll admit that there is part of me that is truly fearful to know the answer...because we might not like what we discover. I have my Tuesday Bible reading at 6 which I am getting ready for then like millions of people I will come home, eat dinner, make a huge batch of popcorn (My Dad and I are both popcorn addicts) and proceed to stay tied to the TV until some outcome is reach. I truly LOVE being an American!
Periodically throughout the year I like to capture photos from our front yard showing the change of seasons, always with the backdrop of the lake (and often times the Flag as well).
This has been a rather cold and wet Fall for these parts and the time frame of the years peak fall color has been very short as well. The long, dry summer with near drought conditions probably had something to do with that but basically the leaves fell in about a 30 day time period. Still there are some stragglers and there is something intense about an the Autumn (and Winter) sky. The last few weeks have been incredibly difficult ones for myself as well as K-Sue on several different levels...This includes the physical aspect of moving K around as she is homeless and in search of a place, to the emotional, psychological and finally spiritual impact of stress, uncertainty and for me personally: the incredibly UNWELCOME return of the rape influenced nightmares, flash-backs and combat style dreams I have experienced so often in the past. Laying down at any time is like going to into battle...seriously I scared to death to fall asleep! I'm concerned that I seem to be sub-consciously relieving that experience over and over once again...WHY?! I'm like why in the world is this happening now...I have not gone through this intensely compressed period of nightmares/flashbacks in quite some time. My experience tells me something is askew in my life for this to be happening but honestly other then stress, sleep deprivation...all typical everyday things for me I have no idea what's going on. The only major difference is that I am going through a prolonged period of intense pain in my back, knees, hips and feet. Perhaps the pain is setting off the nightmare reaction...perhaps PAIN has been a TRIGGER all along and I never made the connection. Hmmm...that is not only very possible but PROBABLE the more I think about it. So I may have made a discovery this morning...how cool! Anyway all I can really do is just be aware and tuned into my moods and see what lies behind these reactions and that may explain why I am reliving these experiences all over again. So today I'll take things a day at a time and do my best to rest...and enjoy another Fall Football Saturday.
I am up this Friday morning and trying to get back into my "pre-Summer routine" of meeting with a Men's book study group at a local restaurant in town. It is these types of activities that really enhanced my life and for various reasons, I got out of the practice of attending. And once I get used to doing something it becomes difficult to go back to what once was.... So now I'm starting to feel some of the old feelings of alienation that I am going to have to face and overcome all over again. It doesn't take much for me to withdraw from people and get into the habit of being a loner. I missed the entire summer of study, interaction & fellowship. It seems like an eternity. Am I making a mountain out of a mole-hill? I'm sure it sounds like it to most people who read this but that doesn't take into account where I came from in the area of human interaction. It is a bigger deal for me then it might seem...fraught with fear and inadequacies, alienation and just my natural tendency to feel like an outsider...It is much more comfortable for me to isolate and withdraw then to interact. It is frustrating because I had this accomplished already and withdrew back into my cocoon so now it indeed feels as if I am "starting over"....which in reality, I am. This isn't a dream I really am doing it all over again and that is frustrating. And yes...it is my own fault and I only have myself to blame. These have been difficult times but I could have handled it more appropriately but I took the easy way out. That behavior got my attention because it is definitely something the "old me" would have done...It is critical that I always be aware of behavioral backsliding! So it starts now with this 6:30a breakfast fellowship and book study. I need to get dressed and get a move on it.... Photo: Kathy Tomson
There have always been times in my life when I wished I wasn't quite so....INTENSE. I wish I could brush things off the way some folks do and just "deal with it tomorrow" instead of always having to get at it RIGHT NOW. It is my personality I realize and for the most part, those basic core personality traits are not really going to change much. Frankly this is the way I am and if truth be told....I really wouldn't want it any other way...I'm intense, so freakin' WHAT, that's me. It can make for a wild ride sometimes through life but it's REAL, it's sincere/genuine and it is 100% thormoo. So I'm basically un-repentant about being hardcore and intense about stuff...heck I can be intense about getting to CHURCH ON TIME...that's just plain NUT'S...isn't it?!! Ask K-Sue..she'll tell you it's NUTS!!! This past Spring (2012) I was at the MAYO CLINIC in Rochester, MN for 10 days of testing for a mysterious stomach ailment and several other major health issues. One of the tests they did involved taking my vital signs like my pulse for example in the various stages of activity from full blown cardio-exercise to fully resting while asleep. My resting heart rate average was 109 beats per minute! If I would check it now, as I sit and write I suspect it would be in the 115-20 range. It's funny but I feel calm as can be...I rarely feel anxious because of my heart-rate. This is the way that I am and it's normal. A heart rate like this would have some people literally bouncing off of walls and ceilings...shoot it would probably KILL some folks but it is the way I always have been so I don't know any other way. For the sake of my so-called health I have tried to relax, to take it easy...I ended feeling MORE STRESSED OUT that way! No kidding... So this is me and moving at 100 MPH is just the way I'm built. I don't look like much...It is like I have the body of an old rusted out 1992 Ford F-150 but the engine of a Ferrari burning inside, haha! It certainly can make for some interesting scenarios.....
