Not Déjà vu

I am up this Friday morning and trying to get back into my "pre-Summer routine" of meeting with a Men's book study group at a local restaurant in town. It is these types of activities that really enhanced my life and for various reasons, I got out of the practice of attending. And once I get used to doing something it becomes difficult to go back to what once was....

So now I'm starting to feel some of the old feelings of alienation that I am going to have to face and overcome all over again. It doesn't take much for me to withdraw from people and get into the habit of being a loner. I missed the entire summer of study, interaction & fellowship. It seems like an eternity.

Am I making a mountain out of a mole-hill? I'm sure it sounds like it to most people who read this but that doesn't take into account where I came from in the area of human interaction. It is a bigger deal for me then it might seem...fraught with fear and inadequacies, alienation and just my natural tendency to feel like an outsider...It is much more comfortable for me to isolate and withdraw then to interact.       

It is frustrating because I had this accomplished already and withdrew back into my cocoon so now it indeed feels as if I am "starting over"....which in reality, I am. This isn't a dream I really am doing it all over again and that is frustrating. And yes...it is my own fault and I only have myself to blame. These have been difficult times but I could have handled it more appropriately but I took the easy way out. That behavior got my attention because it is definitely something the "old me" would have done...It is critical that I always be aware of behavioral backsliding!

So it starts now with this 6:30a breakfast fellowship and book study. I need to get dressed and get a move on it....
Photo: Kathy Tomson