Feelings & Thoughts That...LINGER.

A cold, grey and rather windy early morning sunrise here on the island. The wind just seems to have it's own unique "sting" to it sometimes, making one crave a fire or at least the pleasure of climbing back under the down comforter on one's bed...

I wrote a POST last night on the subject of my aging and how it is accelerating the effects of my physical disabilities and health issues. Those realizations have left me feeling more then a little melancholy right now which probably is not helped by the cold, grey, blustery day greeting us here in lower Michigan this Saturday morning in mid- to late April.

I do realize that this too shall pass but accepting reality and living in the here and now takes more faith, courage and fortitude then my past life of avoiding pain and TRUTH at all costs. It is a simple and undeniable fact that human beings age...it happens to all of us and though there are some exceptions...most of us would prefer that we didn't age. Or at least it didn't affect us as much or that we could indeed as thy say "age more gracefully". I've always wondered who this "THEY" is....the truth is that I haven't a clue nor do I know anyone who claims to know them self.

It is probably one of the more difficult and relevant issues of my relationship with Kim because like I lot of people in our society...I have an inherent abhorrence of feeling like a burden to those people who love me. I really have trouble with the notion that at the age of 50 (in 10 years time) K-Sue will be faced with the reality that her husband cannot walk because of neuropathy or has had both of his feet amputated for the same reason and replaced with artificial limbs...just one of many scenarios related to my physical condition that really, really bother me.

Any way..the point is the thoughts and feelings...linger. And the answers I am looking for have not magically appeared the way that I expect them too. What to do then, I ask?

Well I shut this post down and head into town to hang out with 100 year old woman at the assisted living facility where I hang out on Saturday mornings. yep...it's THAT time to go hang with the "GIRLS"!

I imagine that I'll have something more to say on this subject latter but until then....bye, bye.

(Photo: K. Tomson)

Difficult Fact Of Life

My difficulties getting a reasonable, daily amount of sleep are pretty well documented in this blog. I have yakked about it often enough but the truth is that talking about it hasn't really solved the problem though I would say the situation, in my opinion is a bit better these days. I am getting enough sleep to function and considering the alternative (I went nearly 6 weeks straight without sleeping more then an hour or two a day) I'll take what I'm getting.


The issue now is that in the evenings...I cannot sit for any length of time, at my computer, watching TV, talking to someone, reading...whatever, without nodding off. And I mean BOOM, I am completely and totally out. I will wake up with a start...all bewildered and disoriented with my face plastered onto the external keyboard for my laptop...the imprints on the keys indented into my forehead! This is happening to me quite frequently and no amount of coffee or caffeinated soda seems to make a difference.


I guess it is just another unwanted and uncomfortable thing I have to adjust in this life. Don't get me wrong...I am so grateful for the life I have today...not all that long ago, I couldn't imagine being able to function the way I do so I appreciate what I have. The simple truth of my life is I have some rather severe physical...disabilities...ah no I don't really care for that term, I prefer to call the difficulties I guess. I either am completely unable or severely limited from doing something or I have a great deal of pain and discomfort actually doing it. 


And there are things like going to the bathroom that I have some frequency and time issues with as well. These things affect my ability to travel, volunteer at the jail and in a multitude of other ways as well. It just is difficult and   I don't like have to explain it to people either, it's embarrassing. I do see these as repercussions from my addiction though they could be health issues that might have occurred anyway...there is no way of knowing that now.


It is a fact of my life that really bothers me and has me thinking a great deal about whether it is fair to marry Kim, though she would really be upset to hear me say that. My concern is that I already am 10 years her senior...as a matter of fact, I am 10 years older then K-Sue...and 10 years younger then her mum. What a trip...eh?


But my fear is that in a decade or so,I am going to be totally unable to do some basic things like walk, get around in a reasonable manner, have sex, etc. I don't think that is fair and it really bothers me.


Kim has told me on several occasions that it doesn't matter to her, that she understands but I can't help feeling that it isn't right...Oh well, that is a bridge I guess we will cross when we get to it.


OK, so before I do another face-plant "Header" into my keyboard, I'm gonna close this puppy...er, this post for the night. Until tomorrow then...
(Photo: Kathy Tomson)

Pre-Nap BLAH-BLAH-BLAH....

Yes, Yes...the answer is yea...there are times, more frequently then I would like to admit...that I begin writing a post just like this one without the hint of a clue as to what I am going to write about. It has been an uneventful day....just very busy. I left the house at 5:50a this morning and have really been hopping ever since.


But the weekend is here, K got caught up on some much needed sleep and we picked her car up...so it's all good to go for now.


I have often written here how I try to make myself available whenever I can to work with folks that are struggling. And it doesn't have to be a person struggling with booze or drugs...one thing that I have learned as I have gotten older is that all of us in this life will struggle some times. And often most people will feel alone and not really know how to work through whatever issue they may be having.


There is really not a cookie-cutter, one size fits all solution to peoples issues...they can be rather complex and loneliness for example is a biggie...and there is not really an easy solution for it but finding fellowship at a church, or doing an activity or with a group of people in recovery....again though, it isn't easy and often you just have to hang on and just weather the storm.


That is where a person's desire to make a change makes all the difference. If someone really is not committed to surrendering themselves to the notion that they cannot control their addiction and do something about it...they will drink or use drugs again...it's almost a certainty.


Well...I have a little voice (gradually becoming LOUDER) that is telling me to grab a quick lunch and take a nap...so I am going to follow the advice. Later...

A Rare Endorsement And A Rather Strange Day

It has been a rather strange day today in that just about everything I need to do is dependent on the actions of another person...and nobody is really coming through so i sit on my tookus all day basically gather freaking MOSS! Yes...TOOKUS is not really a word but I think it's familiar to enough people...it means: Bum, Butt, Fanny, A**, Rear-End...I think you get the picture, eh?!


I did get my Smart Phone in the over-night mail and it is already set up and ready to go. It absolutely astounds me that less then 24 hours ago i ran that thing through the wash and I have a fully functional and personalized replacement in my pocket as I type this...


I know everyone feels differently about their cell phone and cell phone service but i honestly swear by SPRINT/Nextel. I have been a customer for...jeez, a really long time and they are just always on top of their game. Even when something goes wrong or there has been a mistake (which lets face it people, they happen) they make it right. I typically don't endorse many company's...I endorse SPRINT, no doubt about it.


Now I am waiting to get word on K-Sue's Car. That is basically the last loose end that is hanging out there but there isn't a whole lot that I can do about it really. 


I'm kinda....er, not KINDA..I am really stoked because we have our pontoon boat in the water and it is about 70 degrees right now so perhaps we should take the first boat ride of the new year. It's pretty much the weekend for Kim since she works 4-10 hour days, Monday through Thursday though she often will work OT on Thursday nights or sometimes Fridays. She doesn't have to work tomorrow so that is really cool.

At Least It Wasn't The Toilet This Time!!

Any fairly perceptive reader can probably gather by the title of this post that the author (that would be ME) has gone off and done something really dumb today...and they would be correct in their assumption.


I ran a rather large load of laundry today, nothing special clothes, some golf towels, bath towels...Oh yea and my Samsung Galaxy S II Smart Phone from Sprint! Yep I went and ran my PDA through the wash, completely ruining the dang thing. 


I am fortunate because I have Sprint's Insurance Plan so the phone will be replace by USPS Next Day Mail. It's just a hassle because everything I do involves that smart phone...my calandar, it's my only phone, I keep a journal on it, I text and email frequently, I even post blogs and take picks with it for Shell Shoc.


Of course the timing couldn't be worse because Kim's car is in the shop and I have to coordinate with the garage tomorrow to pick it up. Luckily I had an old phone of K's that I had Sprint activate for the evening so I am connected.


Thew last time I ruined a phone by getting it wet goes back to my drinking and drugging days. I was snorting a line of Coke on the counter by the bathroom sink (and this was at my own house!) and the phone was in a jacket pocket. When I bent over to do the line...OUT slides the phone...right into the toilet!


Thankfully it had been flushed but still...the phone was a total loss. I was expecting a call on scoring more coke so I had to run out as fast as I could and pay cash for a brand new phone since I wasn't due for a discounted by upgrade. I was re-connected in two hours but it still really was a bummer.


Since the Smart-Phone I have today costs a fortune without an upgrade (and I am not eligible anyway) the insurance was definitely the way to go. It costs like $4 a month and this was the second time (that was a different phone) I have filed a claim and had a phone replaced.The first one was for a mechanical issue so I am pretty much sold on the notion that it is worthwhile investment, especially considering it would cost over $500 to buy this exact same phone.


So even though it is a hassle to have to replace all the Apps, and start over I feel quite fortunate to be able to replace it and so quickly. The woman on the phone said it would be here tomorrow and it was here in a day the last time I did it so I expect it will be here tomorrow.

It Was Nothing But A mere Sliver...Of HOPE.

I mentioned in a brief post last night that I attended a dinner for a Jail Ministry that I am involved with. The featured speaker was a woman who told her story, how she was able to overcome her Meth addiction and the harrowing account of the events leading up to her becoming a Christian and how the Forgotten Man Ministries played an important role in her finding a new way to live.


I could not help but think how hard it is for people who are struggling in this life...whether it be with addiction, divorce, illness...Whatever their issues may be because we all face adversity in life. And often we feel that it is us against the whole big, bad world.


I think back to the days of my active addiction and then  to the early days of my recovery. Both were extremely difficult, painful times in my life. I often felt during those times that I wasn't going to be able to overcome my troubles and frequently I felt like giving up. Of course during my active addiction I made a very serious attempt to "give up" by attempting to take my life.


But what I really think about was during those early days of recovery....why didn't I give up then? What kept me going...day after difficult day? In some ways the pain and struggle was worse then because I was no longer escaping my physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual pain through drinking and drug use.


Today I know the difference was hope. After I got out of the hospital something inside me had changed...I had hope...albeit it was just a sliver but it was there none the less and it made all the difference. I don't know how it got there or what I did to get it but something inside me kept me going forward...because deep down I now felt that just MAYBE I had a chance. I didn't know how I had a chance but  I just knew that I did.  And that was just enough to keep me in the game, as it were.


Today I know that God was leading the way (just as HE had ALWAYS been there leading the way) but this time I was finally in a position (I was sober, I was willing, I had stopped fighting and surrendered) to recognize HIM and FOLLOW.


Even then it was nearly 5 years into my sobriety before I realized and accepted that I was a Christian. Before that...I just believed that there was some sort of God but I never felt compelled to  try and define him...I was just hanging on each day by that fragile SLIVER of HOPE. And for me, at that time...that was enough.


So that is where my head is at this morning. I am thinking about all those folks in the world who woke up today...wishing in their heart that they hadn't. That they had just kept on sleeping forever. It is those people  I think about today. And they are an important part of my motivation to keep going today...to keep writing about my story here on Shell Shock Serenade, to keep going the jail as a volunteer, to keep the Bible Reading Ministry going on Tuesdays and Saturdays...to be willing, at any time to reach out to another person who may indeed be hurting so much that they are standing at that very same cross roads that I did...do I choose to live...or choose to die?


It really does make it worthwhile knowing that one person can make a difference...

Jail Birds

I'm sitting here at a banquet in town for Forgotten Man Ministries...an organization that ministers to inmates in Michigans County Jails. Here I am a former cocaine junkie in a room full of law enforcement folks and politicians. Who would have thunk it...eh!?

I'm Having Fun Right Now...Don't Really Know Why!!?

I was just reading some recent posts from a few of the blogs I read regularly and it just fascinates me how unique we humans are. I love how each person has their very own special way of "seeing" and interpreting their daily life.

I think one of the most important and crucial aspects of recovery for me was learning how to re-engage into active society and get away from the isolationist lifestyle that I had become so accustomed to. I think if you had asked me even 2-3 years ago (several years after I found recovery) I would have looked you in the eye and told you I was a loner and I preferred to be alone. An I really believed that at the time. I'm learning now that it simply isn't true.

No I had just convinced myself that it was my natural preference to be aloof, alone and isolated.  Don't get me wrong. I am introverted but that is far different from being anti-social. I am convinced today that cultivating relationships...honest, open, loving relationships on all levels is as much responsible for the turn around in my life as staying away from the booze. It was simply impossible for me to cultivate relationships when I was drinking because the "drink" dictated my behavior and I no longer had any influence over my life.

I find it so interesting these days when I get an opportunity to meet new people. And yes I still find it rather odd because I am still a bit of a fish out of water in social "small talk" type situations but each time I experience it...things get better.

I have an early morning study session this morning...still reading "Doctrine" by Mark Driscoll and Gerry Breshears and I will say that I was quite ignorant when it came to basic Christian Doctrine...this study has been a real eye opener and a great benefit to me. I really have enjoyed it...OK, enough...Gotta run!

(Pic By Kathy Tomson)

A Little Rain Must Fall...

It never fails...just when I feel like a nice pattern of sleep and health related stuff is starting to come together I spend a whole night unable sleep. In a way it doesn't matter because I did not have anything going on this morning...my usual 8a Monday morning commitment  was canceled today so I was able to get some writing done.


We have had some much needed rain here in S Michigan the last couple of days and combined with warm temps it was darn near humid yesterday. So the trend toward a warmer then usual Spring has continued.


I think I have mentioned before that I am typically not a person whose over all mood is influenced by the weather. For some folks, they fall into Depression if there isn't enough sunny days and the like. I really enjoy a variety of weather and that is why I particularly like living here in the upper mid-west. We get a good dose of all four seasons and I particularly appreciate that.


Today should be a fairly mellow day though I am going to try and go back to the jail tonight as a participant in the Forgotten Man Ministries. My physical issues this winter have prohibited me from going and that has gotten frustrating because I love doing it.

So I'm hoping I feel up to it but if not the annual Forgotten Man Banquet is tomorrow and I'll start getting back into the swing of things with that.

Now I Can Remember!

This will sound odd to just about everyone who reads this...everyone who isn't an alcoholic/addict in recovery, that is. But I can't tell you how much I enjoy remembering what happened at the end of each day! You are probably wondering: "Huh...what is he talking about?!!" 
So perhaps I should explain.


My daily routine for decades as a practicing addict/alcoholic was to drink myself into oblivion each and every night. And I was rather successful in achieving this pathetic goal for many, many years. Needless to say...if you drink and party every night until you literally pass out....you aren't going to remember a lot of stuff that goes on late in the day/night.


That was one of the first things I started to notice when I sobered up....that I could actually remember the end of each night...I'm sure to most folks that sounds ridiculous but too me...it's huge. I have a ton of memories of what are essentially "half days" of living and no freaking Idea what happened to me at the end of each one of those days. It is surreal looking back on it now.


I am just so incredibly grateful for the gift of sobriety that I have today...it has completely changed my world and honestly given me my life back.


(PHOTO by Kathy Tomson)