Difficult Fact Of Life

My difficulties getting a reasonable, daily amount of sleep are pretty well documented in this blog. I have yakked about it often enough but the truth is that talking about it hasn't really solved the problem though I would say the situation, in my opinion is a bit better these days. I am getting enough sleep to function and considering the alternative (I went nearly 6 weeks straight without sleeping more then an hour or two a day) I'll take what I'm getting.


The issue now is that in the evenings...I cannot sit for any length of time, at my computer, watching TV, talking to someone, reading...whatever, without nodding off. And I mean BOOM, I am completely and totally out. I will wake up with a start...all bewildered and disoriented with my face plastered onto the external keyboard for my laptop...the imprints on the keys indented into my forehead! This is happening to me quite frequently and no amount of coffee or caffeinated soda seems to make a difference.


I guess it is just another unwanted and uncomfortable thing I have to adjust in this life. Don't get me wrong...I am so grateful for the life I have today...not all that long ago, I couldn't imagine being able to function the way I do so I appreciate what I have. The simple truth of my life is I have some rather severe physical...disabilities...ah no I don't really care for that term, I prefer to call the difficulties I guess. I either am completely unable or severely limited from doing something or I have a great deal of pain and discomfort actually doing it. 


And there are things like going to the bathroom that I have some frequency and time issues with as well. These things affect my ability to travel, volunteer at the jail and in a multitude of other ways as well. It just is difficult and   I don't like have to explain it to people either, it's embarrassing. I do see these as repercussions from my addiction though they could be health issues that might have occurred anyway...there is no way of knowing that now.


It is a fact of my life that really bothers me and has me thinking a great deal about whether it is fair to marry Kim, though she would really be upset to hear me say that. My concern is that I already am 10 years her senior...as a matter of fact, I am 10 years older then K-Sue...and 10 years younger then her mum. What a trip...eh?


But my fear is that in a decade or so,I am going to be totally unable to do some basic things like walk, get around in a reasonable manner, have sex, etc. I don't think that is fair and it really bothers me.


Kim has told me on several occasions that it doesn't matter to her, that she understands but I can't help feeling that it isn't right...Oh well, that is a bridge I guess we will cross when we get to it.


OK, so before I do another face-plant "Header" into my keyboard, I'm gonna close this puppy...er, this post for the night. Until tomorrow then...
(Photo: Kathy Tomson)