Aftermath...Picking Up Da Pieces, Bro!

Yesterday's Post: Pause...Reflection....Change really seemed to capture the essence of many of my former posts only there was no threat present or implied. I was just observing what had been happening and what was in reality changing me as we went.

It felt good to write positive, from the head AND heart stuff again and my audience reacted quite positively to it. Hey no surprise there...I have been struggling and my friends are really concerned and worried about me.

I won't lie....my life still continues to be a major freaking struggle right now and I am NOT anywhere close to being out of the woods with my injury and infection. I am hurting and at a loss as to what to do. Who do I go see and where? I just don't know anymore and the pressure and worry about this decision is wearing me down to nothing but a STUB of a human being.

But I believe I am NOT Alone.....God is with me and we shall persevere. Until we meet again my friends.

Pause....Reflection....Change

I just got back a little while ago from spending some time with one of my favorite people on the planet....my friend Shayne. It's funny...I haven't known him but 3 years or so but I just  really enjoy our time together, our conversations and discussions. He is that rare individual (in my life, anyway) who I instantly trusted and with him I always knew there was nothing I had to fear from him. That sounds strange but those kind of individuals were virtually non-existent in my life up until then....I trusted no one....that included myself.

The path back to trusting again has been crowded with obstacles but the rewards are great when I am able to accept someone for who they are and trust the situation for what it IS as opposed to whatever I conjure up with my vivid and paranoid mind.

Back to my friend. We were discussing the impact of my illness/injury on my physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual well being. The truth is it is impacting me a great deal in all of those areas and I have truly come down with a dangerous DOSE of the infamous BLACK DOG (Depression).

Shayne noticed that and called me on it....he is quite worried and concerned about me. He had a right to be, I was in trouble, really focusing in on the pain and negativity, isolated and not seeing or feeling anything useful. All I can see is what I lost...not what I have going for me.

I left there Tuesday morning feeling better but deep down I was still hurting and still was trying to find motivation to write in the blog or  wherever else I could.

Then I received this email from Shayne:
Was thinking about yesterday’s conversation and coming to feel more and more that you have a divinely appointed role in this: to help people through the blog (and perhaps other venues) to endure hardship without losing confidence in God. I know so many people who have gone through or are going through pain and fear and loss of control (that last one seems most difficult). You’re experience – if you can continue trusting – coupled with your ability to put feelings and ideas into words could be enormously helpful for others.

Frankly that is the main reason I started Shell Shock Serenade in the first place....to reach out to others and share my story in the hope it may help someone who is struggling to find there way in this rough and tumble world...just like I happen to be at this point in my life.

That is what my friends do for me: They save me from the INSANITY of SELF....in other words they tell it like it is and that is enough to counter-act the crazy crap I convince myself of when I am not connected tightly enough spiritually to my Creator ...and that has sure been the case this time around.

Melting Blue Skin Existence.

Every two years a friend of my Mum's has her daughter (who lives in Roanoke, VA) bring her all girl Gospel Choir on a week long tour of the mid-west. She always opens here in Coldwater at the Presbyterian Church. Locals house the girls.....this year we are hosting two, who happen to be wonderful young ladies and both seniors in High school. Two years ago we ended up with six...that was a handful!

But they are delightful, intelligent and just good company. Very well mannered and polite.

I will just say this about my foot/health: No Change Here....it's probably a little worse then it was if truth be told but we persevere.

I am really doing my best to focus on the positive and keep my focus on living healthy and free of pain. Oh how I long for a day with minimal pain. I just don't know if I will ever feel that way again.

Accept The Unacceptable....Move On.

It is a tough time.....I just don't know what else to say to y'all. I'm hurting more then I have EVER hurt....MEANING IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! And it is CONTINUOUS. It simply never let's up, NEVER ENDS and I am starting to scrape the sanity paint off the inner walls of me NOGGIN here. It's but a thread holding me together at the moment. No redemption....no Savior in sight to start saving the likes of little ole me.

Getting twitchy is putting it lightly. I'm well advanced down the "I am losing my Mind qucikly" stage and there does not seem to be much I or anybody else can do about it. Accept it and move forward I suppose.... 

MISERY, HURT, PAIN....How Was Your Day...My DEAR?!

DISCLAIMER: I am an angry human being tonight. I am severely injured and sick and I feel a real need to vent. If you are faint of heart or the type who thinks life is all cotton candy and Praise The Lord....well this ain't your cup of TEA. You've been WARNED!

After reading the post title and you just might get the idea that perhaps me life has seen better days? I would say that is an accurate assessment (UNDERSTATEMENT). 

Honestly I have two doctors who are literally pushing me back and forth...off one another then onto to third party doctors because they simply do not want to accept their own responsibility in what has happened to me and my health. I have never felt less significant, less then human like a slug...a freaking animal then I do at this moment right now. I couldn't hate myself and my life more.....


Never in 50 years have I been treated this way. Anyone who has simply gotten a glimpse of my right ankle winces and turns away  Just from looking at the damn thing....OH, Right Dr Mayer and Dr Whitaker...I am a piece of worthless CRAP and my pain doesn't count.....forgive, I forgot my place!

The fact that I cannot walk without a walker is insignificant....or put any pressure on that right leg without wanting to SCREAM. This is why eternal sleep can sometimes seem like a better alternative to their so-called "treatment by pretending it doesn't exist!!". 

Now everywhere I go I am damaged goods and no one will so much as look at me.. Suicide....yea, I'll cop to thinking about it....for first time in 7 years the thought has crossed my mind. I am supposed to be moving in a positive direction in this stage of my life

God? AWOL as far as I can see (and who would blame Him) and I actually figure he is probably behind all of this anyway. I was a shit for a large portion of my life...I am paying for it now. People offer to help me then back off with the Christian "blow-off": "We will be praying for you and available whenever you need help....Blah, Blah, Blah" yet I have not seen 'ya around, PARD. Too busy being Super-Christian I suppose....You play the role so well.


OK...Enough...until next time....GOODBYE!

Without A Clue

Day # ??....., Hmmm...I haven't a clue how many days this illness/infection has been going on. All I know is that it continues and I have to face the fact that a doctor I had a great deal of trust in has really betrayed my trust and I feel more then just ignored and let down.

 I feel de-humanized by his refusal to even hear the facts or see the swollen ankle which honestly was all I was asking for was for him to look at it to determine if it looked like infection or a different kind of swelling. How easy it must be to forget that this infection is HIS FREAKIN' responsibility...it happened on HIS WATCH. His surgical incision was the obvious route for the infection. Perhaps he is even more negligent then that...he told me specifically NOT to put anti-biotic cream on the wound. HMMM...Maybe that move started all this mess...it surely didn't help.


I am going to leave it at that. I am in agony....the swelling around the ankle is so acute that I cannot put any pressure on it at all. This is not swelling from the infection....NOPE. Something else is going on here and frankly...I haven't a clue!  

I am going to end this now before I LIBEL myself any further....eh, eh!                                                                                               `

Shell Shocked...I WAS

This blog was named Shell Shock Serenade for a very good reason....Shell Shocked was exactly the way I felt when I came to after my suicide attempt into the brand new world of living SOBER. I was totally and completely in shock...paralyzed with fear, afraid of my own shadow and very nervous and unsettled about what the future might hold. Just a few short days before, I had made a very real decision to take my own life and failed...now I was facing life and all that entails without booze or drugs to NUMB the way for the first time EVER.

I really was in over my head but little did I know at the time but a Power....one MUCH greater then myself was looking out for me. That would be GOD and I was NOT a believer at that time. Even after defying the odds and surviving the suicide attempt, I still looked at living life as a BAD THING!!!

This evening I chose to change the cover photo for the blog...a picture from an upcoming movie about the Western Theater of the Civil War.

My rational for using this pic is it captures exactly the whirlwind of fury that my life had become before sobriety took over and brought calm and reconciliation...

DILEMMA

Another day trying to mend. Fever is down and I have felt better except for the swelling and intense pain in my right foot. It feels to me that there is something more then infection going on there....Not sure but the swelling looks and feels much more like there is break or bad sprain as opposed to swelling solely because of the infection.Why? Because the infection swelling and redness throughout the rest of the leg is gone...it is a condensed ball of severe swelling right on and above the ankle this time and I have NEVER felt such compounded PAIN before.

It is the first time in 7 years of recovery that I have even remotely thought about self-medicating because of pain. The thought passed quickly though. I need to communicate this to my doctors but neither is particularly open minded and would rather not listen to what a patient thinks the problem is.

Anyway...that is the dilemma for the day and what happens to be on my mind at the moment. Until the next time....

When Is The END?!

I don't even know where to begin with all of this. I have really sort of fallen off the planet as far as writing the blog is concerned. This is totally because of my ill health.

I was just released from the hospital again yesterday after being treated for a severe infection of the lymph nodes and the blood, I'm rather unhappy about it of course because this has gone on for nearly half a year in some form or another.

I had IV Anti-Biotic pumped into me now for 3 days and I am feeling better since the fever seems to now be under control. But the leg is still very swollen and incredibly sore. I have a feeling it is going to be a while before this ordeal comes to an END.