After reading the post title and you just might get the idea that perhaps me life has seen better days? I would say that is an accurate assessment (UNDERSTATEMENT).
Honestly I have two doctors who are literally pushing me back and forth...off one another then onto to third party doctors because they simply do not want to accept their own responsibility in what has happened to me and my health. I have never felt less significant, less then human like a slug...a freaking animal then I do at this moment right now. I couldn't hate myself and my life more.....
Never in 50 years have I been treated this way. Anyone who has simply gotten a glimpse of my right ankle winces and turns away Just from looking at the damn thing....OH, Right Dr Mayer and Dr Whitaker...I am a piece of worthless CRAP and my pain doesn't count.....forgive, I forgot my place!
The fact that I cannot walk without a walker is insignificant....or put any pressure on that right leg without wanting to SCREAM. This is why eternal sleep can sometimes seem like a better alternative to their so-called "treatment by pretending it doesn't exist!!".
Now everywhere I go I am damaged goods and no one will so much as look at me.. Suicide....yea, I'll cop to thinking about it....for first time in 7 years the thought has crossed my mind. I am supposed to be moving in a positive direction in this stage of my life
God? AWOL as far as I can see (and who would blame Him) and I actually figure he is probably behind all of this anyway. I was a shit for a large portion of my life...I am paying for it now. People offer to help me then back off with the Christian "blow-off": "We will be praying for you and available whenever you need help....Blah, Blah, Blah" yet I have not seen 'ya around, PARD. Too busy being Super-Christian I suppose....You play the role so well.
OK...Enough...until next time....GOODBYE!
We had a shitty day over here in Baltimore, too. Not mine to talk about but Murdoc's, but it was definitely one of those times when the universe pokes and pokes and pokes you just to see how much you can take, and then suckerpunches you when you think you might get a breather. It broke my heart to see him have to battle that one on top of everything else, yet it wasn't mine to get involved so all I could do was pick up the pieces and give love. At least I'm here now and not an ocean away.
ReplyDeleteYour loved ones cannot wave a magic wand to undo your pain, but after a day like yesterday, I definitely hear your anger. It is just, honest, raw, and human, and you are entitled to it. Expressing it makes your writing what it is, and I would rather see you share it here than not write at all. No disclaimers necessary.