No Way Out

Tonight....as I sit here at my keyboard I struggle to keep my composer and not embarrass myself by taking off on a tangent about the misfortune that has visited my life at this time and what I am beginning to consider as the futility or wishful-thinking mentality of prayer. 

Don't get me wrong...I strongly believe in prayer. I also strongly believe God intervenes at times to help people. I also believe God expects me to act...to work...to function to the extreme limit of my capabilities and not just sit around "praying" for things to get better while I do nothing. I also realize that God's answer to prayer sometimes is a firm NO....and extreme suffering can follow.

I will admit something that I would rather not: I am feeling as low, as hopeless and forgotten tonight as I felt the day I tried to take my own life in 2006. The only difference is my FAITH in God. I look not for sympathy or pity but to stay true to the original reason for this blog I must write the truth about what is happening at this moment in my life. It is a shambles and I am spinning emotionally out of control. As the idiot politicians in our Government show repeatedly how ignorant they are they have no idea what Health Care reality is all about. I HAVE insurance. It just isn't very good....

Financially I am completely ruined...not by misspending, credit cards or irresponsibility. No.....I am completely ruined by medical expenses totaling in the tens of thousands of dollars. I did everything in my power to prevent it...going back to the earliest bills when I even sought help (which is incredibly hard for me to do) from the church only to be turned down. It's a simple fact that this disaster probably could have been avoided or reduced at that time but now it's completely out of control and I have to have surgery again to save my leg.

As hard as I try to "turn over" the worry and hopelessness to the Lord, I cannot get away from it. A check of my phone today shows that a bill collector called me every 19 minutes on the average today from 7a am and at 9:20pm the phone still rings. I no longer try to reason with them because I have nothing to pay them so they threaten me and my family. I stopped caring....because I can't begin to pay them...not even a dollar a month (which they would not take anyway).

I expect NOTHING as a result of this post. It just happens to be my reality right now...that's all, so I write about it.