Monday, September 9, 2013
I Can Still Write (sort of)!
This time of year...mid-September is always full of mixed emotions for me. Fall is coming and it is hands down my favorite time of year. But I live on an Island populated heavily by Summer vacationers and their "cottages" (read; Summer Mansions!). So after a few months of streets crowded with kids on golf carts, long lines at the golf course and a lake full of jets ski's and other boats we are now a "Ghost Island".
Usually I don't really consider this phenomenon....it happens and life goes on albeit with a tinge of sadness in the air for the "Lost Summer"...now gone forever. But this year that normal "tinge of sadness" blends into my already heavy emotion due to my Medical issues and just adds to the doom and gloom.
It certainly has become a chore to hold one's head high during this endless series of set-backs and disappointments. The Lost Summer of Misery rolls on into Autumn. I can only hope and pray that this new Surgeon has some answers and willing to initiate surgery right away...for I am MORE THEN READY to get on with it.
My fear is that since he is taking over a case that is brand new (to him) that he will start from scratch with tests and such, delaying the inevitable surgery. But of course I can do nothing about that now except stay positive and focused on the present.
That is difficult because I have some serious issues weighing very heavily on my mind. Typically I would never speak or write about such things for public consumption but this blog is supposed to capture life as I am experiencing it....warts and all. I have written about addiction, deceit and sexual assault because that is reality and needed to be addressed.
I am being overwhelmed with hospital bills and frankly I have expended every option I have. I have worked with creditors, made payments and yet I am more then $25,000 in the hole and haven't even seen the bill from my last hospital stay yet of 6 days. Plus I need major surgery to re-build my right ankle and replace my left knee.
To say I am experiencing some difficult times would be a massive understatement. The phone rings off the hook and it becomes more and more difficult to stay positive. Bills are no longer being paid which bothers me to no end, yet I have no recourse...I've tried everything...it feels like someone wants me dead.
That is why when people ask how I am I cannot answer them honestly...i just smile, lie and say I am fine. Trust me...I am very FAR from fine!
Yet such is the hand I have been dealt and I must go on but I'll be honest..there are days where pulling the plug and ending the harassment seems ....very enticing. Yet I have been down that road before. It is just frustrating to have always paid my bills on time only to have circumstances beyond my control totally wipe me out. And not only that...there is NO END in sight!
People mean well but it gets old to hear the same old "God will Provide" stuff when frankly, sometimes God does NOT PROVIDE and his people die of starvation in Africa and other places. We must lay in the bed we made...ultimately it is my responsibility and i am failing. That does not sit well.
My lot in life may indeed be to suffer terrible pain, every second of my life, harassed by creditors until I die....I won't know that until that time comes.
Sorry but that is all I can write at this point...I need some fresh air.