I have often written about my feelings of alienation. I have felt this way my entire life...though as I boy I didn't understand why I felt differently then others seemed to feel. Yet it was obvious to me, even at a very young age that I did feel differently and I was in fact different.
More sensitive, fairly artistic yet still quite athletic, a wild individualistic side with a heavy pull toward music...I had some natural leadership tendencies often led as much by example as I did vocally. I was the strange mix of obsessive book-reader and totally absorbed outdoors-man/athlete. With people I was familiar...I was extremely comfortable, talkative and social but among strangers I was withdrawn and observant.
Of course at the age of 12 my life simultaneously crashed then burned and hit the accelerator at the very same moment!! It is now a well known fact here on THE SHOCK that I was sexually assaulted at the age of 12 years of age and badly beaten. My whole world imploded and crashed in around me yet at the same time it did not stop. No...things started moving really quite fast and I didn't have a clue who I was or what I was supposed to do.
I had not told anyone about the rape so I was carrying this horrific secret that was burning a hole through my SOUL. I tried to blend in to keep going but every time I was in public or the company of other people I felt like I had a scarlet R seared into my forehead and that everyone knew what had happened to me. I felt dirty, used and unworthy. I had already felt like I was different somehow, like an outsider to begin with...now I was feeling outcast by society...I was a sexual outcast and a social LEPER, condemned to a life time of guilt, fear and self-loathing.
It is not unusual for me to look back in time from my perch in today and wonder how in the world I managed to survive ALL of THAT self hatred, self-abuse and the suicidal way in which I conducted my life and day to day living. The twist in this lifestyle was though I hated IT and myself...I somehow still clung to the notion that I knew what was best for me. I hated anyone whose life looked good compared to mine...which was pretty much everyone.
But most people could not see what I felt inside so they had no idea. I think my X, M just knew this life we were living was insane and eventually she convinced herself she had to get out. I'm not entirely sure I have ever forgiven her for that. I understood why she did what she did but there was part of me that still feels with her help and support I could have found recovery. I faulted her with not living up to her vows..."for richer, for poorer, for sickness (I definitely qualified for the sickness part) and in health, etc".
And looking back at it in that light, I definitely felt abandoned...and I was...sort-of. YET the realistic part of me knows that I was living a lie...I was not being honest to her, to myself or to anyone. The man she married...was in reality, a GHOST...he never really existed. I was a faker, a poser and I pretended to be something I was not. So now I believe the reality of this was if the man she made her marriage vows to was a faker & and a liar...then the vows aren't valid either. The monster she found herself with 11 years down the road was not the man she thought she knew. She had to save herself.
The bottom line is today I do not blame her, I no longer think I was abandoned because now I realize it was I who was dishonest right from the very beginning...I was living the LIE. She had no choice but to run or I would have devoured her. And frankly....that is
is what makes me now feel sad because she was a very special woman, one of a kind and I drove her away. Could she have handled the whole separation better? I'm believe so but living isn't easy and no one is perfect.
So the marriage died...it imploded and I kept on with my daily diet of dying...I was going to get there one way or another....To be continued.
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