Friday, November 8, 2013
Shards Of A Shattered TRUTH
For many reasons, most of them lame bordering on ridiculous...because they relate to some out-dated sense of chivalry, privacy and personal integrity that is in reality all just an illusion at best and a blatant, out-right LIE at worst, I cannot write about what I just witnessed here in my own home. But it would involve writing openly and honestly about family dysfunction , madness and plain old insanity on a public blog so more then likely I would NEVER be forgiven so I must restrain myself as much as possible from writing the TRUTH.
But I will say that in the 30 years I have lived with this, I have never witnessed the full & unrestrained fury of mental illness (Paranoid Personality Disorder to be exact) unleashed like I just experienced 90 or so minutes ago. Unspeakable hateful name calling, crazy, ridiculous...yes INSANE accusations and some unreal jumping to mad conclusions.
I am heart-sick right now...I am at this very moment living through the very real and excruciatingly slow breaking of my own HEART into a million shards of shattered glass. TRUTH is the true victim here because we have...I HAVE chosen to live this lie. Dying never looked so good in comparison.
All because I fear the consequences of communicating to one completely imprisoned in the throes of Frothing...Raging...Unquenchable...MADNESS. The very nature of this illness, what makes the recovery or treatable rate so unbelievably small is that the patient's own illness convinces them that all people are out to "get them"...to hurt and humiliate them. So many go to their graves hopelessly entwined in this pathetic paranoid state believing the sole purpose of all other human beings on this planet is to belittle and hurt them.
Heart-breaking actually comes no where close to describing how tragic this god-forsaken illness really is and how much pain and suffering it has caused to the very people I care about the most. Including the one who just the other day called me a lying worthless piece of shit and an asshole 22 times before they left the room only to come back an hour later and act like it never happened.
I fear the Sun has forever set and The King of the DARK NIGHT as settled in for the long HAUL.