The Kaleidoscope of DEATH

Where does the time go when the heart stops beating? The same place as one's breath? Good question and another of a long list of life questions I simply have no answer for.

The Christian Belief (and my own, by the way) says we shall have eternal life. If true, it seems the logical thing to do would be to stop fighting and let the "eternal" part begin....But of course 
that would be killings one's self and some say that is an unpardonable sin, therefore one would forfeit the eternal life promise. 

I am confused. I do not personally know where it says in scripture that suicide is an unforgivable sin....believers who accept Jesus as Lord and Savior are forgiven their Sin...Period. Such is my belief...

Anyhow none of that is really relevant to me because I continue to fight and survive...often against great odds. Why? Truly I know not why....Because I can, I suppose.

I have stated periodically in various posts here on Shell Shock Serenade that I have lived a life internally at WAR. As far back as I can recall I have fought as the same soldier in war dreams...long before I was old enough to even know what it was I was dreaming about. 

I believed I had lived before. Why? Honestly it was the only logical explanation for what was happening to me. I knew things about battle sites I had no business knowing. Where long removed mass graves were on the Somme Battlefield in Northern France. Where long filled in trench systems were and where they went. I sensed that I had been to places I'd never seen before (in this life, anyway) and needed no directions to get there....in the pitch dark of night. A local French farmer from Albert thought I was a ghost...

Standing on what had been a front line trench near Polygon Wood near Ypres, Belgium...I could smell death so strongly that I vomited. Call me crazy....I could care less. I didn't ask for such things to happen to me...they just did. And they always have for as long as I can remember.

In the two posts previous to this one I write of shadow-men...just out of sight. I cannot honestly say whether I am seeing the personification of Evil Himself...stalking me, hunting me, WANTING me...or a vision of a past self who has followed me into a new realm...searching for himself.

I supposed when pressed I'd say that I feel hunted...pursued...by pain, danger and hate. No matter how hard I try I cannot flee far enough away fast enough to dodge his Horrific Majesty...he has me locked into his sites and there is no where to run.

So why do I continue to fight?

(Keep reading future posts my friends, if you dare)