When The Rain Comes...

A warm, breezy and wet (read:RAIN!) Sunday here on the island. Kind of a bummer that it has to rain on a nice warm Sunday afternoon but we really have needed rain and you can't really complain...it comes when it comes.


Perhaps it will lighten up later in the day and give us a chance to get outside. 


I spoke with the Chaplain in charge of the Forgotten Man Ministries at the local County Jail when I was at church this morning and he asked when I would be able to come back to the Monday night service. Because of my health I haven't been able to attend since the new year. I told him I am willing to give it a try but I have some concerns related to a couple of physical issues I have. He is going to help me with those so I am going back tomorrow night and give it a try.


I'm stoked because I really enjoy doing that kind of volunteer work and I really have missed it. Now I have to think of something to talk about if called on to share to the inmates...the Chaplain, Dave is notorious for calling on you to speak when you least expect it so I need to do a little footwork  a head of time just to be prepared. It is one of the most rewarding things that I have ever been involved in and I am thrilled to be given a chance to go back. Let's pray that all works out...


Today...K's Dad and Step-Mom are driving through the area on their way back from Virginia so I think they will be stopping by Kim's place to check it out...that will be really cool if they can see where Kim lives and see all the stuff she has done. They basically are the only one's who support her instead of tear her down so it will be nice to see them again...


OK.....gotta run, looks like the rain is slacking off and I'm heading outside.

A New Love...

At the age of 50 I've fallen big time for a brand new love. I am absolutely, head over heals in love with...Oatmeal for breakfast.


It is some what of a pattern for to to find a food I really like and then eat it religiously for a period of time so I am not yet convinced that this passionate new love affair with oatmeal is the "real thing" or just another passing fancy but there is no doubt that I am smitten.


And oddly enough I am not talking about oatmeal, loaded down with granola or nuts and dried cherries...nope...just plain, old oatmeal and just a touch of brown sugar.


I realize that it sounds like I am making a really big deal out of nothing here but food can be a difficult issue for me and my stomach/digestive system...so finding something that I not only can tolerate but enjoy is a big deal.


Often when we get into recovery, we find ourselves feeling better physically as well as spiritually, psychological and emotionally. And that makes perfect sense because in my case I spent 30 plus years terribly abusing my body. I never ate right..often going long stretches where the only thing I consumed were booze and drugs....that takes it's toll.


So I certainly found myself feeling better, putting on weight and being interested in taking care of myself. But what I also found was that I had permanently done some damage to my body. Last year I had a pretty serious operation on my stomach to correct some of the effects of Barrett's Esophagus Disease...a pre-cancerous condition brought on by years of ignoring acid reflux.


To say I am still sensitive to the kind of foods I eat is putting it mildly. It has to be bland and not too heavy. I've gotten to the point where I really cannot eat Italian or Mexican food anymore which is a shame because they are two favorites of mine.


So it is exciting when I find foods that set well with me...particularly early in the day when my stomach is at it's most sensitive. Developing consistent and healthy eating habits has actually been a bigger problem then I would have expected it to be. I am just not used to paying much attention to what I was putting in my body...I was definitely negligent in years past even though I knew better. Those poor eating habits have conntinued thuthas


So that is a real focus for me right now...that and exercise. Getting exercise is another difficulty because of my physical limitations due to my disability. I can walk and be active, even play golf but often I can only due things for a short period of time. Running and biking...big cardio exercises are out of the question. I could probably swim laps but there isn't many places around here where it is convenient to swim laps. 


It is definitely a focus this summer because I have put on weight and I don't feel very well. So we'll just have to stay motivated and open minded. 


Well it's time to head into town to see the Ladies at M-Ville and do a little Bible-Reading...perhaps we'll catch you all a little later.

Fade To Black

Well this day is finally fading into memory and even though it was full of difficulty due to K's car issue's, everything seems to have worked out pretty well. Now it's the weekend and it is the first one ever having the folks back home and Kim settled into her new place, just a couple houses away...right down the street. It is exciting and I didn't used to be the kind of person who got all pumped up by such "trivial" things....I have grown up and learned a few of life's more important lessons....like it's relationships that matter over selfish, personal pleasure.


I guess I feel like things are finally "fitting together" after years of struggle and hardship to get clean and learn how to live a productive and fulfilling life without  focusing entirely on ME, ME, ME all the time. In many ways it has been liberating to try to "Live for HIM (GOD)" instead of spending every waking moment trying to fulfill my own desires. That kind of focus may seem impossible for some folks, it was most definitely impossible for me at to understand. I thought belief and dependence on God meant you were weak.


But I had lived my life for so long selfishly zeroed in on just me that I missed the true joy of giving of oneself to a greater cause. Sure things can still be difficult and it certainly isn't always easy but it's so rewarding that it makes the occasional difficulty all the more worthwhile.


I am just really grateful that I have another opportunity at living this life...I certainly did not deserve one so I try to make the very best of it...each and every day.


OK...enough of that...It is most definately time to get "horizonzal" and get some shut eye so that's it for "Shell Shock" for the day....Good Night.

Accept Adversity and Move On

Well just when it seems like things are starting to go our way, Kim's car radiator springs a major leak and needs to be replaced. She made it to work which is the good news at 5a but now we face an expensive tow and repair. I guess whatever does NOT kill you makes you stronger, as they say.


But the bright side is she made it to work for Friday Over-Time (she usually works 4 10 hr days, M-Th and does OT on Friday) so she will be able to use that OT $$ to pay for some of the repairs and towing. I feel bad for her because it seems like whenever she starts to get ahead, something happens and she is set-back only to have to start all over.


Well there isn't anything that we can do about it but accept it and do our best and that is what we'll do. Then we'll move on...

The ROCK & A Really HARD Place

I woke up early this morning wondering if I should start another blog...this one focusing purely on the spiritual....in other words my beliefs as a Christian. It once again brings me to a familiar cross roads in recovery related to religion. 


Many people in recovery will admit that a belief in a "Higher Power" or God figure is essential to recovery, to get away from this inherent belief as addicts that WE are in control, that essentially we are God.


The difficulty arises when you put the label "Christian" on what your beliefs are all about. Because many people in general as well as in recovery (this includes myself) had a great deal of trouble with Christianity or Religion in their past and just will not have anything to do with it.


A lot of us, come to our belief in the Lord through Recovery's "Back Door" as it were...believing there is a God of some sort and agreeing that HE is indeed more powerful then we are. Then eventually this general belief in a "God" morph's into, through time and experience...a belief in Christ.


My rational for considering another blog for expressing my spiritual beliefs more specifically is that I feel a need, a spiritual need to write more about it but I fear that doing it on Shell Shock Serenade will alienate folks looking for recovery help who would be turned off by the "religion" talk.


It is a serious dilemma because I know in my heart I should just be me and write what I think and believe...trust God to reach those who needs him. On the other hand I know how mistrustful addict/alcoholics are of religion. I am also afraid that having to maintain 2 blogs will water down the writing and neither one will really be good any more.


Any feedback on this subject would be gratefully appreciated.

It Isn't The FEAR That Does It

It isn't uncommon to be asked if it is fear of falling back into addiction that keeps me sober these days...and honestly fear as little if nothing to do with my recovery these days.


It certainly added some motivation when I was first getting clean and sober...I was terrified of using again and being dragged back into that insanity...that living hell that I once called my life. And fear certainly had it's place but in and of itself...it isn't enough to produce the desire for making the extremely difficult changes one must make if they really intend to live sober lives.


Today I would say the things that make life worth living are the very same things that keep me clean...my belief in God and wanting to serve him daily, in a worthy manner. And living my life to help others...that has done more for solidifying my sobriety then any thing else....this notion that to keep what I have (life/recovery) I have to give it away (IE: Help Others). Sounds incredibly simplistic but it works...


There certainly are times when I have missed the intensity of living that lifestyle...I lived an very exciting and intense life in many ways for many, many years and I have suffered withdraw symptoms almost as life has become much more sedate, mellow and intense. But I love life today and would not trade it back for anything...

Junkies Have a Way...

I don't typically troll YouTube looking for music late at night but for some unexplained reason I wanted to hear Pearl Jam do their tribute to Andrew Wood and Mother Love Bone.


I can't really conjure up the effort or the emotion to explain exactly what this song, this singer and this band mean to me but let's just say junkies have a way of communicating to one another...even when they've never met.


So here, without further ado...Pearl Jam doing Crown of Thorns. Miss you Andy...

And SO...IT Shall BE

SHILOH

The other day I posted about evaluating this blog and how I came to the conclusion that I did want to continue to post and that I still felt compelled to do it. I had wondered if I was now sharing too much personal information and quite honestly I wondered how relevant my original premise for Shell Shock Serenade still was. I had originally intended to capture what recovery was like in real time...day by day even minute to minute.


But the truth is that after nearly six years clean/sober there isn't always relevant (read: Interesting) stuff going on day to day. Then of course I started blogging about being raped as a boy...and this gave me more fodder for posts. 


I really wonder whether my life in itself, without the recovery drama is interesting enough to sustain readership. Ironically I am getting more hits daily then ever before so it truly is a miracle.


I have noticed when I have blogged about the hard core details of my addiction, my suicide attempt or the sexual assault...well those are my most read blog posts. But I don't want to artificially inflate or exaggerate to make this more appealing. I am, at my heart level perfectly satisfied to share with whoever wants to read it and let it be what it is: a document of what a life is like when addiction, sexual assault and suicide are all a part of it. 


I just want to represent those feelings, thoughts and reactions honestly and in a way that can be understood by other addicts, rape victims and suicide survivors as well as the general public. I am not angry, I don't have an ax to grind, I don't play the victim...no...I just want to live life to the best of my ability and serve God, my Creator. I am grateful to have survived and flourished once I found sobriety and a spiritual way of living that led me to God.


I don't have any intention of trying to shove my beliefs or way of living down anyone's throat...no, I really want to represent myself honestly and people can take it or leave it as they wish. I answer most if not all comments...I'm happy to do it. I answer all emails and will talk to  anyone who truly has an interest in any of the relevant subjects I write about. 


I am also a father, was a single father, I was married twice and am a grandpa. It is impossible to write about those other things in life with out including these facts as well. I probably write about relationships as much as any other subject now  because I have learned how important relationships with others truly are...they are essential to human beings as we live life on this planet...whether we believe it or not, humans are at their core social creatures and we bond with one another if for no other reason then to just survive.


So that is what I am pondering at this time as I plan on continuing to write. I will most certainly post answers to any questions people may have an you can ask me anything. My email is:


thormoo1016@gmail.com


So people...COME ON, throw me a bone and write...ask me anything, say anything you might dare as to provoke a response....I imagine I have a few stashed away some where.


Please feel free to contact me if you'd like me to cover some detail of my experience that you want to know more about whether it's about alcoholism, rape, suicide or just living 50 years on this planet...I'd love to have suggestions on what folks would like to read about. But even without I'l just keep throwing darts and see what comes out of that.


So there it is...

Just Saying...

Well...the 4am grocery adventure was a success and I am now back home snug as bug. We have had a rather cold spell of weather the last few days and it is quit windy as well. Ironic, yes because my mother/father arrived here yesterday from wintering in Florida and there were snow flurries...much more typical weather for early April in lower Michigan then the sustained 70-80's we had been having. But by the weekend we are supposed to be in the upper 60's to lower 70's again.

It is nice to have my parents home. I have been their resident caretaker here on the island for nearly 5 years and it has been a real treat for me. Don't get me wrong....even during my active addiction I had a good relationship with the both of them but I did everything in my power when drinking, etc to destroy and betray their trust. It's nice to have all that back now and I love them both very much. My Dad turned 82 years old yesterday and I have noticed that he has slowed down some and his hearing, even with the hearing aid is pretty much shot. Of course the V.A. (Veterans Administration) is giving him the run around about his disability claim...he was in the artillery and of course they never used any hearing protection back then.

So things are back to normal now except K-Sue lives right down the street, a real sweet, freaking treat!  So that will actually be nice getting used to...having K as a neighbor.                            

A little Blog Tweakin'

Regular visitors to The SHOCK will recognize  a strip of photos underneath the title header of this blog. I am going to post photos as I take them using my Istagram account which is linked to this blog. I just thought it might be fun to try it when I noticed another blogger using it, my buddy Ryan at Wax Red Threads.


So I'm am going to try and get into the habit of taking some photos regularly...not something I have done much of in the past. We'll just have to see how it develops.


I am headed out to the 24 hour Mega-Store that shall go un-named because I don't really feel like giving them a plug. I love shopping at 4am, something I got used to doing working off shifts all those years during my career in production management. So I'm off to grocery shop and meet up with K-Sue before she goes off to work. Catch up with you all later and hey: any feedback on the Instagram photos or anything else is ALWAYS welcome here on Shell Shock Serenade.