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Tuesday, January 12, 2010

I am.... alone. I...have no home. Not here, not there or anywhere. Really,I exist in a world similar yet apart from my fellows.
Detached and entrenched in my own, solitary journey to....I don't know. I've yet to figure that out. Perhaps I never will...can I live with that? Ach. I always expected an answer to why I was here, now I get a feeling that the answer may be that there isn't a reason. I am here because....I'm here.

From my very first memories I recall feeling different then the people around me. That feeling has stayed with me my entire life. I've rebelled against it, tried to ignore it, pretend that I fit in but it does not click. I am alone. I do not like feeling like a phony...I simply cannot pretend to be something that I am not.I've tried and it creates an imbalance that once it's released is hard to get back.

I do not feel like I there something wrong w/that? Not isn't a comfortable feeling, I assure you.I want to fit in with others yet part of me does not. I think it's a choice maybe it isn't. It is what I have to deal with right now though. I feel separate, alienated from other people. I have no natural ability to trust for I fear that when I do I will be hurt. Why? Because I have been hurt......

I don't know if I ever appreciated or respected myself. I think that I must have but then the way I treated myself suggests that I did not.The way I have been discarded w/out care or concern leaves me struggling to believe I am worthy of love. I feel worthy of only pain and unpleasantness. An unholy spectre of despair, my only friend. I am living, breathing color and I cannot repent, cannot transform to something that I am not.

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