Monday, December 9, 2013
A Prison...Of My OWN Creation.
I am a PRISONER....It is odd I will admit, to think of one's self that way yet in many a way, that is exactly what I am. My own body has taken me captive at gun-point and there is nothing I can do to free myself from this self-incarceration. I am virtually holding my own self hostage and I am beginning to really get squirrelly and on edge about this whole living and breathing thing we call life.
Of course that describes me half of the time anyway...half cracked and on the freaking edge. Sounds like a new way to cook an egg for breakfast, eh?! "Yea I'll have two eggs, half cracked and on the edge...oh and toast, whole wheat and two shots of grey goose, thanks!" Sorry I reverted to the "old me" there with the vodka shots for breakfast. It was always the easiest way to get going...I know...pretty sick but that's the history. Often the eggs toast etc, would end up sitting there and I'd just keep ordering more booze.
What that little detour had to do with my injury/surgery/recovery...well I haven't nary a clue but I saw the fork in the road via my minds eye and as is typical...I took it. Fortunately for you readers...you got to come along too!
What it is that I am truly rebelling against here...the thing that is creating the mountain of negative energy inside...creating massive FRICTION Within...so to speak...is how completely helpless I end up feeling. I am always at the mercy of another human being or circumstance and that feeling of dependence and complete powerlessness is one I usually dread. And this scenario was no different...
What changed in the end...was the long-time effect of a lengthy, painful and difficult recovery. Though prospects were and still are favorable...the odds of a successful Fusion which is the TRUE definition of a successful surgery in this specific case are 50/50. So it is never far in the back of my mind that I am fighting my freaking Ass-Off to recover and I only have a 50% chance of true success. That is enough my friends to make even those with the Iciest of Ice cold blood running through their veins a tad edgy and a bit squirrelly wouldn't you say?!