Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Daily Diet of Dying
On 23 November, 2013 I wrote a post called
"A Ghostly Liar Lives To Die". It was one of those writings I never intentionally sat down to write. Often I just sit at the computer and start typing whatever is on my mind....this piece was one of those. In hindsight it is way more significant then I ever would have expected it to be because I share my true and updated feelings about my relationship with m and our subsequent divorce.
I had no intention to sugar-coat those feelings or protect her but the reality is my feelings and thoughts on that matter have drastically changed. I still have feelings of betrayal and anger but honestly they are trumped by the truth which led to forgiveness....and the truth is she could not possibly be loyal or stay loyal to marriage vows she made when the man she made them to never really existed. I lived a lie...my entire life was a lie. It had nothing to do with her...she waspowerless to modify this actually.
I believe today that once I was sexually assaulted, I was never honest about who or what I was...inside or out. My God...I couldn't tell ANY ONE the truth....from that day forward at the age of 12...I was dying daily to protect that ugly scar, that God awful, dirty secret. No one would want me the way I was...I had to pretend I was something totally different. I don't blame myself for feeling this way, I knew no other way but the fact is it happened.
I have always disliked the word victim but that is actually an extremely accurate way to describe either one of us. I thought I was protecting people I suppose....none of this was intentional on my part...I never realized I was doing it until long after I became sober in recovery and was taking an extremely thorough and honest look at my life with the intention of saving it from myself.
I never honestly dealt with my rape or divorce feelings, emotions and behaviors until this time. Sure I regret that I couldn't have worked this out in time to see if M and I ever really had a chance. I often have assumed that at that time I was completely incapable of loving someone but now I suspect that wasn't entirely true. I do think I loved her...I know I did but I certainly was incapable of actively showing or reciprocating it. I really regret that now.
It is so strange because today i am fully capable of that emotion....of loving someone with all of me. It is because of that I know now that I was in fact in love with her. And that fact has complicated some of my "final" emotional thoughts on the matter.
It was so much easier to be angry and feel betrayed then to accept blame for my role in it and acknowledge at the same time I was hurting...in fact lying to and betraying this person I loved dearly. I drove her away.
Now the truth in fact may be different but i have to go with that responsibility until she would tell me differently. So for now, that is how THAT story ENDS...