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Wednesday, January 16, 2013

I'm Sad About "My Dad"

Ah yes...this is one of those nights when old thormoo is feeling nostalgic and feels like sharing parts of himself that are un-explainable with simple words. They require......MORE.

One of the most significant parts of my existence is the very simple yet honest fact that I was given up for adoption immediately after I was born. To tell you the truth, my dear reader friend out there ...I do not think that after tens of thousands of words that I have written on Shell Shock Serenade that I have ever even mentioned this little "Fun-Fact"  before. That's because it is a non-factor for me....AND IT ALWAYS KINDA HAS BEEN. The only parents I have ever known are the Mum & Dad that brought me home 2 days before Christmas, 1962...2 full months after I was born because I came into the world with pneumonia. far back as I remember I have known that I was adopted. My parents thought it critical that I knew and felt comfortable about my origins. I don't know much about my birth parents but what I do know makes me think: "It Figures!" and "How F**king appropriate!".

"Dad" was a prominent Attorney in Grand Rapids MI in his early 60's. "Mom" was his 19 year old Secretary 1962 woman just did not go and have babies on their own. So she did the "right thing" I suppose and gave up on, gave me up for adoption.

If I have had any specific feelings about it over these years it is that she was just caught up in the machine called LIFE and had no choice but to throw in the towel and put me up for adoption. Society would have crucified her if she hadn't. 

He on the other hand, in my  injured heart mind was a f**king Villain...a real BAD DAD. And for nearly 50 years that is how I saw it....until it dawned on me several (sleepless) nights ago that he too was a victim of that screwed up society. 

I knew he had grown I always assumed he would never want any more....well, who the hell am I to ASSUME that?! I haven't a clue what he would have wanted....maybe he would have liked a lot more children, but now we will never know. So I feel cheated now but maybe HE DID TOO! Perhaps he never even knew he was a father again...

Dad? Are you out there? Dad? Dad...Dad.....

So those are the thoughts and feelings that have led me on this little blog adventure tonight. That is why I am playing one of the songs Pearl Jam first wrote together as a band...a song Eddie Vedder wrote for the father HE NEVER KNEW. Well he knew him as a distant friend of the family. He was told that another man was his dad.

Here are the lyrics to this song and needless to say...I could have written these to my "Dad":


I see the world, feel the chill
Which way to go, windowsill
I see the world on a rocking horse of time
I see the birds in the rain

Oh, dear dad, can you see me now
I am myself, like you somehow
I'll ride the wave, where it takes meeeeeeeee...
I'll hold the pain, release me...

Oh, dear dad, can you see me now
I am myself, like you somehow
I'll wait up in the dark for you to speak to me
I'll open up...Release me...
Release me (3x)

This is truly the first time that I have ever looked at life through the eyes of my birth father. And instead if the intense anger and hatred I felt for his abandoning me, I feel an incredible compassion....I really miss him. I know that even if I wanted to meet him now face to face that I couldn't because he is most surely dead by now...We do know he was in his 60's when I was born. My birth Mom on the other hand would be 79 but I have no inclination to meet her now or in the future. Perhaps my heart will soften in that regard as well....

Tonight I'll start here with "dad" and see where HE leads me, eh?? OK Father...where we going?

1 comment:

  1. Sorry it took me so long to comment on this post, life got in the way of blogging...

    I go to this meditation thing once a week. It's loosely based in zen buddhism but free of indoctrination and... well, free :) The last half hour is always dedicated to either giving love, or giving empathy. When it's empathy, our host's accompaniment of our meditative exercise goes something like this:

    "Pick one person that has hurt you in your life. It could be someone who just failed to say hello the other day, or someone who hurt you more deeply, depending on how you feel. And when you think about how they hurt you, try to see if you might find it in your heart to forgive them. If you can't, it's OK. But try to see that maybe, whatever they did, they were probably the first victim of their own act. Whatever they did, they were probably the very first person to suffer. Try to see if they might have not known better, or been smarter..."

    It gets me every time. My ego is not always in the mood for complete and unconditional forgiveness, but these words, no matter how often I hear them, have gotten through to parts of my heart that I once imagined closed off forever. You are right, we just don't know. We don't know what is/was in another person's heart, mind, and life. Finding peace with just that is a major breakthrough. So glad for you.