Tuesday, December 4, 2012
That's Life, eh?!
It is no secret around here that I often struggle to sleep. It's just always been an issue and something I accept for the most part. But there are times when It can start to feel overwhelming and the frustration builds to a point where I don't feel comfortable with how I begin to feel.
And I'm not just referring to physically feeling lousy, being so tired during the day that I nod off at the table during lunch or every time I sit down to read something or have a chat. But then I'll try and go lay down, hoping to parlay that exhaustion into an hour or two of sleep and it doesn't happen.
The physical lack of sleep starts to play tricks with your mind and I get forgetful about what I've done or was going to do. As I mentioned, I have dealt with not sleeping in one form or another all throughout my time in recovery. Some of it is related to my addiction...certainly after 30 years of taking Narcotic pain Meds/sedatives, drinking heavily and then adding large quantities of Cocaine near the end of my active addiction, it isn't surprising that I have totally screwed up my body physiologically. Even after 7 years sober it often doesn't know when I am coming or going.
So I am no stranger to not sleeping but this latest series of episodes are really beginning to bother me. I'd go so far as to admit being a bit frightened by my thoughts, feelings and behavior...it is really starting to wea on me physically, Psychologically, Emotionally and Spiritually....when that happens I (anyone actually is in deep trouble!
I have never had a period like this where I am totally clean and sober and will go 2-3 days without sleeping at all...not a wink. It's getting downright dangerous...there are times that I have had to literally stop myself from driving because I can't stay on the road...I keep nodding off. It happened to me today already.
Unfortunately I have been to see my doctors and their solution is sleeping pills like Ambien or Lunesta which i've tried in the past with no success and various anti-anxiety Meds like Xanax, etc which are a HUGE NO NO for me. All of those and more were part of the gigantic "Suicide Cocktail" I used to try and kill myself with. I've gotten to the point where the more exhausted I get the less likely I am to even fall asleep.
So as I write this tonight, I'm more then a little surprised by the fact that I actually have not fallen asleep at the keyboard....and I am really concerned that something "else" may be at play here health wise. All I can do is pray and remain diligent & observant for any unusual signs or symptoms.
It isn't something that I was really prepared to be dealing with at this stage in my life. Some of the greater pressures of K's situation have chilled out and I thought I would be able to enjoy life a little more with less stress....Didn't happen that way.
Oh well, that's life, eh?