As I was looking for information of the other shootings like this one, Columbine for example...I came across pictures of that crime scene and actual surveillance video from the attack. This stuff was graphic but I've scene bloody corpses in person so that wasn't what disturbed me. It was just the senselessness of it all...these two idiot kids running around the school lunchroom shooting unarmed people, setting of home-made bombs and acting as if they were celebrating a touchdown each time they killed someone.
Then fittingly I suppose...at the end of the footage are a series of still color photographs of the two killers bodies lying blood-soaked and disfigured after they shot themselves in the head in the school library.
I am just sick of the violence, the senselessness of it all. Of course seeing and being exposed to such graphic horror taps into my own experiences and I am melting, literally in a rage of heartbreak and tears. It makes me want to be a child, wrapped in my mothers arms again just to be held.....I want it all to just go away.
And then I realize that since this has all happened to me I don't really ever let anyone truly "hold me" close anyway. Why is that, you ask? Because I am The Untouchable One...unlovable and unwanted...Hell, even I don't want me. How can it be that years of therapy work can seemingly come unglued in a matter of minutes by a video and a couple of pictures. Or the news that some nut job killed kids in Connecticut for no reason at all.
I think that with human beings we all want there to be a reason why we live...why things happen the way they do...some explanation when stuff happens and things go hay-wire.
But there isn't a reasonable answer to madness and the sheer senselessness of it overwhelms even the emotionally hardened among us who have learned how to shut down their ability to feel to protect themselves from just this kind of shit.
But as I've healed and changed....I've allowed myself to feel again...to be vulnerable AGAIN and as a result...I am really hurting HARD tonight.
My mother had this Dr Phil Clown on TV today and he was doing a show related to the school killings (it may have been a re-run after a previous mass shooting, I'm not sure) about boys/young men who suffer from mental illness and how their parents fail them and how they end up doing what they do. It doesn't take long for my Bull-Shit Detector (BSD) to go off and see PHIL for what he really is: at best a phony, a POSER....at worst, a sick, money grubbing ego-driven phony bastard who feeds people a bunch of crap to build his TV EMPIRE...I don't trust him, I think his advice is dangerous because it is incomplete, "sound bite" advice that sounds good but in reality is worthless. And he is responsible for dispensing such nonsense on so many gullible and unsuspecting innocent people who really need TRUE professional help....not this crap. He Feeds off those innocent people who are really hurting and need true help...he uses them up on his show, usually humiliating the innocent in the process then spits them out after the ratings come in.
OK, enough...I feel ill. I cannot deal with this any longer tonight. It seems when the world hurts so deeply in their SOUL...people who have suffered their own personal holocaust can tap into it and feel it too. This is not the first time I have felt this way but it frightens me...in quiet moments I hear the echoes of screaming....the echoing gunfire and shouting and in a split second that seems like an eternity I cannot tell if it is really happening again or not.
My heart is HEAVY...my SOUL to wounded to move and I wonder if I should even bother sometimes to breathe. But that is the old Black Dog Talking and I won't fall for that crap tonight...
Top Photo Credit: Kevin Lange