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Sunday, December 23, 2012

Unexpected LIGHT, On A Dark, Snowy NIGHT.

Bright shining sunlight in the winter-time is usually not my favorite scenario but that is mostly when there is snow on the ground. The bright white light and glare basically begins to burn my retinas out from the inside! No, not really but the bright sunshine is really uncomfortable because my eyes are quite sensitive to really bright light after getting Lasiks Surgery a decade ago.

I am one of those (apparently few) people who prefer overcast skies and some cloud cover...big, billowy clouds are my best friend. Nothing against the sun, it is just my particular preference that my eyesight happens to be more important then sunshine.

It has continued to be a strange time period in my life lately in that I have been feeling perhaps a bit more "BLUE" then is normal for me. And no I do  think the Holidays have anything to do with it.....this is not an unusual way of feeling for me. 

I believe I am suffering a bit of the "Black Dog" (Depression) which is not at all strange and I think deep down I am still struggling to figure out my place in the world. 

The last 7 years have meant nothing but a series of miraculous changes in my life brought on by major doses of serious change and hard work. The entire way I look at life, my whole outlook and philosophy has changed a full 180 degrees from the self-centered dark, lonely, confused, cynical thoughts and opinions of the past to a very spiritually positive..."help others" out look that guides my life for the most part today.

And for the most part that transformation is complete but I think sub-consciously I rebel against it at times. And there are times I still don't understand why there has been so much pain and suffering for what at times seems like useless changes because I am not going anywhere...well it does not feel like it at times.

I honestly think it's normal to have doubts when you change like this and things haven't always turned out the way I would have liked. I think what bothers me most and discourages me the most is that after 7 years I still run into so much adversity. The last couple of years the majority of that has revolved around K-Sue and her attempts at making huge life decisions and changes. 

I feel like I am reliving it all over again. But just when it seems that I will become overwhelmed by all of this...I catch glimpses of the serenity that awaits me. It comes suddenly and unexpectedly and life feels so...RIGHT.  Then I know I am on the right track and I have to just keep plugging away.

The beacon of light shines out ahead and I know now that even when I don't feel up to it I must hunker down and follow. So I follow the Light...On this dark and snowy light.

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