Ach...there is so much that I need to say and say right now, only the words I need to express those feelings and ideas (that are wearing a hole in my SOUL at the moment) have NOT been invented yet...at least in any language that I happen to know!
I have often felt as if all the familiar links that I previously have had to my sanity were being challenged and stretched to the very limit....Yet today, well this is different. The links themselves have actually snapped, Pop, Pop, Pop....one after another and my mind is left abandoned to it's own devices.
I think I'm in some trouble here and have not really dealt with such intensity so focused in my mind.
Some years ago..even before I was raped at age 12, I started to have nightmares (both at night and during the day while I was by all purposes asleep) of violent death, enduring endless shellfire and combat in Great War Trenches. I could not shut them off and I feared for my sanity. My parents took me to see a shrink to get some answers about these awful dreams but nothing was ever diagnosed...except a vivid sub-conscious imagination, I guess.
I seem to be reliving that experience all over again and in ALL it's intensity because as I speak, I cannot get any sleep, any rest or any peace. What sanity I appeared to retain is now completely gone and I feel as if I am slipping away....I'm so lost, adrift once again on an Ocean of SORROWS.
Have you looked into what these dreams could mean, experiences from a past life perhaps, or PTSD from the rape, manifesting itself in a more obvious traumatic example.
ReplyDeleteWhen you think Post traumatic stress disorder, you immediately think about war time and all the soldiers who were effected by this, maybe your subconscious is trying to tell you, to seek help.
Thanks for that Ian, I appreciate your input.
DeleteI was actually diagnosed with PTSD 15 years ago when I first went through Trauma Therapy for the sexual assault. Oddly these "War Dreams" actually even pre-date the rape , my parents to me to a shrink when I was a lad of 7 or 8 years old because I was having these violent dreams and dreams of rat infested trenches and such. For years I believed in reincarnation because of all this.
What I find particularly frustrating about all of this now is I have already been through therapy, I've dealt with this stuff yet out of the blue I am having this miserable set-back.
If you search back in the blog you'll see where I have written extensively about all of this before...PTSD, Trauma Therapy, Healing, reliving the nightmare. I guess I just feel that after all this time I should be BETTER OFF THEN THIS! And it angers me to feel like I am starting over again.
Oh well...what can one do accept move on.