Tuesday, August 21, 2012
INVERTED Is Not Upside-Down
I'm sure it would not surprise anyone who knows me or my story that throughout my journey from active addiction to a life of recovery I have been through many different kinds of moods and emotional upheaval. It just logically comes with the territory. I would dare say there isn't an emotion or combination of emotions that I have not felt at some time in the last 6.5 years of sobriety.
But I can't really ever recall feeling like I have been lately. I typically feel every emotion to it's very core...I feel things "heavily" that is to the very deepest denominator. I've really always been that way and wouldn't really know any other way to approach life except head on, full bore, damn the torpedoes, etc, etc..
But as of late I have not felt things that way and it is really rather odd. There are moments that I can just barely register an emotion or a reaction to what's happening right then....I'm not even certain I am feeling or thinking anything at all. This definitely has not ever happened to me before. On the contrary I was ALWAYS on the verge of being over-whelmed or swept away by my own emotional intensity so NOT feeling something is tantamount to having my world inverted....and for the last couple of days that is the way I've felt...like a stranger in a real strange world.
I feel emotionally blind-folded in a way yet there is part of me that gets a strange sensation of freedom...of experiencing free flight that I am at loss to explain it except to say it's rather pleasant and oddly I am at home with it.
At first I suspected fatigue but I have had periods in the last few months where fatigue has been much more of an issue then it is today. So I'm not really sure where this has come from though I think the calm feeling of freedom I'm experiencing is serenity and peace of mind. Those are definitely not normal everyday feelings for me..but I could certainly get used to it!