Sunday, August 19, 2012
Living In The VOID
Sunday, Sunday....oddly it is now one of my favorite days of the week. During the last few years of my career while overseeing a group on 3 shift I dreaded Sundays because I had to wait around all day and evening to go to work at 9p at night. It was an awful schedule, I was completely and totally bankrupt by the end of my days at Herman Miller...emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually bankrupt. I was not even running on fumes so my eventual collapse into chaotic and insane behavior seems almost logical as I look back with the benefit of hindsight.
No human being can be expected to endure a physical and mental strain of that magnitude brought on by the stress and strain of working such ridiculous hours. I had become completely isolated from friends, from family and from life itself by the very nature of working nights and especially working 12 plus hours a day.
I had no support from my spouse at the time or anyone else living with me then....everyone in my household at that time went about their own business and I
began to really resent their freedom while I felt I was sacrificing for them. It really fueled the anger I was already feeling deep down to the very depths of my soul.
Now I didn't expect people to change their entire lives around just for me, especially my kids who were really exempt because they are not responsible for maintaining the household. But even today I think that spouses have a sacred duty to support one another...especially during such a demanding and difficult time. And in my experience I rarely see that happening...I suppose that is why my opinion of marriage is so low. I basically do not see the point for most marriages...unless it is an absolute commitment to each other in front of GOD I think it's hollow, a house of cards and will collapse. I just don't believe in marriage without some HIGHER purpose.
It is a lesson I learned the hard way and as K is now working some ridiculous hours at her new temp job, it has motivated me to go to any lengths I can to help make her life more reasonable, to support her...to love her. I wait up for her to get off work at 1:30a and make her dinner. I have adapted my schedule to hers as much as possible and try do what I can to ease her daily burden...whether that means running her errands or doing her shopping well then I do it. And it has helped.
K's working 6-10 hr days...3p-1:30a M-Sat. She has already been told that they will hire her after 90 days so we are motivated as a team to keep her working there.
I do want to say that I don't blame my X for my job stress, our divorce, my alcoholism or anything else...it is just a simple fact that there was no support for my working those hours, I was on my own to take care of it...living virtually in a vacuum completely isolated from the people I care about and society as a whole...It is what it was.
Plus I know now that you cannot live life in a vacuum...that you need to reach out to people and that was not something that I was very good at. Today of course is a much different story.