Big Bummer

Well the end of another holiday and frankly, it couldn't have come sooner. As much as I hope other folks have had a nice time, for me it can't end soon enough. I can't stand 'em really, they always leave me feeling rather lonely and kinda empty inside. It's just another day on the planet, when it comes right down to it.

I just do not enjoy holidays at all. At one time that was probably my own fault. My expectations might have been too high or I was acting like an ass, usually because I'd rather be somewhere else where I could be drinking. I just wouldn't pretend that I was enjoying myself or even try to make the best of it. Nope I hated being around everyone and it showed.

Now a days, I kind of look forward to them but they usually end up disappointing me and this Thanksgiving Day was no different.It's just another day that reminds me that my family is far away and rarely ever here.I'd rather be somewhere else myself...anywhere other then here. I suppose that sounds sad but for the most part even though I spend holidays with a bunch of people, I tend to feel rather alone inside.

For a long time I got through the holidays w/out really feeling much because I didn't trust enough to reach out to others so I had no expectations. Since then I've come out of my shell a bit and really made an effort to reach out to various friends and family but now I just end up feeling sad when folks don't seem to have the same level of care and concern for me as I seem to have for them.

And honestly, I should know better then to expect anything from others but I trust that people are going to keep their commitments then more often then not, they don't. And since I opened myself up to trust, I end up feeling hurt, again and again.

It leaves me in a position where I have to choose: do I continue to trust and encourage these get togethers or do I pull back and play it safe....I do not have an answer tonight to that question.

So I'll close....sorry for the less then cheerful post this evening but this is how I feel. The sun will rise tomorrow and the dawn will bring a new day....and we'll see how it goes, good night.