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Tuesday, June 5, 2012

A Down Day With A Magical Realization!

I am feeling a wee bit less the stellar this afternoon. I woke up at 3a after a short sleep only to find I was very nauseous and ended up puking for 15-20 minutes...this is extremely painful and difficult to do since the surgery on my esophagus. Feeling ill and throwing up can be symptom of one of the medications I take but I'm not so sure that was it. Anyway I felt a bit better tried to go back to bed for awhile...I got up and went outside at 6a figuring a little fresh air might do me good.

After breakfast I laid back down and now I am not the least bit motivated to do anything. I haven't a clue whats going on but I have a commitment to read at the church tonight so I need to get over this lethargy and sick, feverish feeling I have been having.

I have noticed a pattern in my life since I became sober that good times and bad times seem to come alternating in waves. It had been a period of relative calm only to be broken up by a few chaotic episodes last week. They don't always occur this way but it happens often enough that I can honestly call it a pattern but not one that I can really plan still retains it's unpredictability.

I don't feel "my edge" when I feel lousy. I get in a survivor mode mentality and that stymies my creativity and just seems to take all the luster off of living.  I feel like a sick zombie and it isn't a pleasant state of mind.

There is a little part of me that wonders if there might not be a psycho-somatic angle to this illness thing today though that is hard to imagine when I feel so physically low. Tomorrow is the 6th anniversary of my getting sober. That might seem like no biggie to some...but if you knew me then, in the deepest throes of my addiction and then compare that to the "me" of current times...well there is no comparison and I just may be physically revolting at the memory of all that. I am not really sure...I just no I feel ill and my hands/forearms are numb.

What I DO KNOW is that I am so grateful to be sober today. To have a great relationship with my parents and family/friends. That is new for me and I am really proud of the accomplishment. But truth be told...I'm dead today without God in my life. I really, honestly believe that. That is simply FACT #! 1 (Numero Uno)...I exist today solely because of God's GRACE!

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