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Monday, June 25, 2012

I Was Never THAT Hammered!

#2 Green

I have a little story to tell this morning and before I get too far into it I will warn readers that the subject matter here is a bit "edgy", let's just say it's unpleasant...yucky even. To be honest, I don't recall if I've ever posted about this particular subject before though I did infamously post from a public bath-room stall once...yes, while I was USING IT. I think there was one (former) British reader who still hasn't forgiven me for that major indiscretion!  

You may now have started to guess that what I intend to write about here is what we in America often refer to as #2...particularly to our children. Yep I'm posting this morning about POOP, Feces, Crap, Sh*t, Poo Poo, KaKa, Doo Doo...and whatever else you want to call it.

Why in the world, you may be asking yourself am I going to write about POOP? Well I will tell you why and I'll do my best not only to keep this brief but relatively tolerable from a dignity stand point as well.

I went golfing at 6a as I often do, using an electric cart and playing a disabled version of the game. As I finished the first hole on the Island Course I looked out to hole 2 an noticed the greens-keeper, Dick start to mow the green then stop. By the time I played my way to the green and started to put, I noticed that not only was the flag missing but so was the metal insert that is the cup. It was all very unusual and quite a strange scenario.

So I heard the mower coming in the distance so I waited for Dick to come back. Well it seems that somebody walked on to the green at #2 last night and proceeded to take a humongous CRAP in the cup then put the flag stick back in it. Then they threw (used) toilet paper in the tree behind the green...I suppose so there would be no doubt that it was indeed a larger, more intelligent life-form that created this living MASTERPIECE! 

Most readers know I am a recovering alcoholic/addict and I have had my fair share to drink over the years and yea, I've done some dumb-sh*t. But let me assure you, dear readers of SHELL SHOCK SERENADE that I was NEVER Hammered enough to do something so crass, so stupid as poop on a golf course green. Not only that...I was never drunk or stoned enough to EVER even THINK ABOUT DOING so.

I'm pretty sure who ever did this last night, sending poor Dick all the way back to the Clubhouse/Cart Barn at 6a with a cup full of SH*T and the flag to go with it on his riding lawn mower, to be replaced is probably too STUPID to be reading this blog or reading at all for that matter. But if by some miracle the Neanderthal actually does read this blog....I would like to be the first to say that you are a complete MORON.

Poison ivy's

I'm sure you are quite proud of the fact that sometime after dark last night , you walked or road 400 yards out into the middle of the golf course and squatted over a golf hole with your pants down around your ankles. WOW, that will be a great story to tell the grandchildren about. You're should have been a comedian! We at the course all hope you are proud of yourself and hope and pray that you pulled you pants down in the woods as well  then maybe now you will have have a roaring case of Poison Ivy on your Rear-End...

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