Friday, June 1, 2012
It Takes 2 - 2 TANGO...
Darkness has settled down...evening turning into night, right before my very eyes. It has been a rather long day and one that seemed to hold onto itself much, too long...
I was ready for it's end, still am really yet I feel rather restless, agitated, uncomfortable...actually unsettled is the word I'm looking for there. I feel really unsettled like I have left something quite important undone and I am going to live to regret it.
I am not at all sure why I feel this way...perhaps it is because it has been a tough week. There were some surprises...and unpleasant ones at that and a couple of those issues though they were temporarily taken care of, in the long term still are unresolved and I can't help but ponder the outcome.
Yep, they call that projecting into the future and say that not only is it unhealthy mentally to do but it's a waste of time as well because it doesn't actually accomplish anything. It only gets me stirred up and agitated...unsettled inside. So I imagine I ought to cut that out then, haha.
I have some issues, long term long standing issues that are really wearing on me at the moment. Personal relationship issues with a person I care about a great deal that just isn't in a good, healthy place. In fact one could almost say that our relationship has become almost poisonous and feels dangerously detached. I suspect that I am the only one who thinks so and communication about it right now is impossible. I hate that feeling of powerlessness, but it takes two to TANGO and one of us ain't into dancing right now so it is what it is...
In less then a week I am celebrating another year of sobriety...leave it to a HISTORY guy and WWII Historian to go and get sober on D-Day (June 6th) but that's exactly what I did. It beats D-Day being the day I died and things just as easily could have gone that route as well.
As I sit here tonight...nearly 6 years sober now, it still can hurt some to reflect back on all that has happened but at the same time there is a great deal of gratitude that I feel for what I have been given as a result of all that has happened. I really want to live these days...life has a purpose now that it never had before and that is to help others.
I know, that is a tired old song here on Shell Shock...."live to help others, yada, yada, yada...but it truly is what I try to make my life all about these days and the results are rich and the rewards great when you see folks who were once at the end of their rope moving on and re-engaging back into life.
So I suppose the unsettled feelings will eventually pass and life will roll on as it always does and tomorrow most certainly will come, God willing. Thank you my friends for sharing a little time here with me tonight...it is ALWAYS my great pleasure.