Sunday, June 10, 2012
I have often said that after I got sober and my head cleared up a bit that I wasn't sure I was cut out or capable of giving myself to someone again in a romantic relationship. I put Kimmi off for nearly 4 years defining our close...er, very close relationship as "good friends or best friends". After my spiritual side caught up with the rest of me I realized I was not being truly honest about my feelings or my commitment...
I had been reacting to my fear: I simply didn't want to get hurt again and quite frankly I was having a terrible trusting people, particularly woman. Yep, even a woman I had been close to for nearly 6 years at that time and one who had actually saved my life by discovering me home alone nearly dead in total overdose. The Doc made it very clear that without Kim calling the EMT's, I would have died.
To prove how truly sick I was, for a long time afterward I resented the heck out of her for finding me...I had wanted her to let me die. Obviously I look at that situation quite differently today. But I was having trouble even trusting HER of all people. I just felt betrayed by my past experiences and did not want to commit.
Today I am glad I changed my thinking about that subject but caring for someone deeply and doing it honestly, openly and unselfishly is hard at times.
Right now Kim is not well health-wise. She just fought off a bad infection in her face and during IV treatments for that infected boil they discovered that her Iron levels were dangerously low and wanted to hospitalize her immediately. She refused because she does not have health insurance. So she has been treating the Iron deficiency at home and for the most part successfully...until now. She was extremely week and ill at church today aaaaaaaaaaand I am really concerned about her.
We left shortly after the service began and we got her home and she went right to bed after taking her medications. I am really worried and it is hard when you don't have a handle on an illness. I feel helpless to really help her and hope we can turn this around.
The selfish side of me still pops up and tells me I shouldn't be involved with someone, that I should focus on just taking care of me. That is not the kind of person I want to be anymore. I've learned that I have more to give, that it's important to be there for someone. Most importantly....I am happy to do it.
So right now is a time of great uncertainty...we just don't know what to expect. Unfortunately for K there is so much added pressure because she has a great job through a temp agency and a chance to get hired in. But obviously missing any work due to illness would cost her that chance...so she really feels stressed. It is a toughie...this whole darn situation is so if you're a praying person, hey we could use the help and if not, think about Kimberly Sue for a minute...she has really busted her butt and I hate the notion that her health might side track her...again.