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Thursday, February 9, 2012

Ah...Well,, YEA!

Let's see...I am really not sure where to go with this. It could be another whiny post lamenting a setback in the sleep department. And that would be legitimate...I didn't sleep last night and the frustration can really build up quickly and get the best of me. But honestly that is not the way I want to go with this. 

Sure, it felt like I did a bit of back-sliding but on closer inspection...I don't think so. I did manage to sleep here and there. Yesterday afternoon was a series of 30 to 40 minute naps all afternoon long. Last night I did sleep for over an hour when I first laid down and I have been napping a bit this morning after I got back from running into town. 

I think some amazing things are going on here. Yes, the health struggle is kicking my butt now and again and it's a mystery that has not been easily resolved or solved. But life has moved on and I have not had a single solitary minute during all this difficulty sleeping where I have wanted to throw in the towel and have a drink or ask the doctor for medication that might perhaps help me sleep but at the same time be detrimental to my overall well beijng when it comes to my recovery...I won't...I cannot do it.

I often find that when I am feeling really down about something, I will discover later, that more often then not I am the source of my own discomfort or dissatisfaction...because my expectations were wholly unrealistic or my attitude was simply bad. It can be something that mundane, that routine that can trigger negativity throughout my whole being. Sounds ridiculous...yes but I believe it because I have experienced it.

I live a life today based on spiritual principles and spiritual beliefs. I believe things exist in this world and beyond that are unseen and unknown to Man. There was a time, not all that long ago when I would have scoffed at the notion of God...YET at that very same time I believed I had very possibly lived before...that I was reincarnated! How was one a realistic possibility and the other complete MUMBO-JUMBO!? Aha...another of life', my double-standards.

I do not know with certainty what it was that changed me and opened me up to the spiritual possibilities. I could say it  was the extreme situation I found myself in, trying to kill myself and surviving against great odds, yet that happened nearly 6 years ago and I have only been a Christian for a year. Though I do believe that process of coming to believe in Christ truly started that day I awoke from my coma. I do believe whole-heartily that I surrendered my will to the notion that I was not God that day, that something greater would have to do the job. It was an act of surrender and one where I gained great strength in the acceptance of that reality..that I was human, therefore weak and was not all-powerful. It certainly paved the way for the spiritual happenings that occurred in subsequent years. And there were some real Doozies!

I guess that is why I feel rather oddly optimistic about TODAY. Yes me feeling optimistic is quite the change from the way I used to look at my world but the bottom line is I have changed...I am no longer ALONE. Even though at first glance last night's sleeplessness looks like a set-back but something deep, deep inside is telling me to wait, that I may be in fact experiencing the beginning of something quite good...I don't know why I feel that way but I do but that's reality and I am going to follow the nudge. More later...

(Photo by K.T.)

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