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Monday, February 6, 2012

It's REAL: And that's A Dang Good Place To START...

I think somewhere is this chaotic mass of ideas thoughts and feelings I call Shell Shock Serenade, I have shared the, philosophy of my recovery in that I have become somewhat dependent on healthy routines to maintain some sense of order/stability in my daily life and stay on task...on task meaning that I am staying sober, one day at a time. 

It is not mystery to me that when I begin to "improvise"...that is when I wing it and depend on myself I tend to find myself with difficulty on my never fails. In other words when I take charge of my life I can really screw things up...that is an absolute FACT proven out many times over by my own experience.

It was probably after I had been sober about a year...barely hanging on mainly because I was AFRAID to drink or use again...even if my ass fell off as they say (an old recovery saying). But after a year that was not going to be enough to sustain a life without my backsliding to what I always knew as familiar: OBLIVION. The feelings of being OK that being completely plastered on drink and drugs brought me. The truth was if I had continued at that time in my recovery doing what I had been doing...I would have without a doubt have gone and drank or drugged again. More then like I would have died in the process...

I had heard for some time that the only thing that would make a difference for me long run would be a relationship with GOD. But I had never been able to get to a place where I could honestly accept that. But it was at that moment, at about a year sober that I felt so desperate and helpless inside that I just knew that God was the only answer and I stopped fighting the idea that maybe there was a GOD who would...who could, help me. I wasn't really sure how that would happen but it was at that time I became more open to the idea that it was possible. I also started to pray to "God' though I wasn't quite sure who or what that God" was. It was strange praying to something I didn't fully understand but oddly it was comforting as well....

Today I now know that the day I woke from my coma after the suicide attempt was the day I surrendered to the fact that I did not know how to solve my problem and I desperately wanted help. I understand sub-consciously that it was the only way I would survive

At a year sober I accepted that GOD just might be that answer but I wasn't sure how that could happen. I was afraid of God in a way...I just didn't know that then. That deep seated fear fed the natural mis-trust I always feel for things that I do not understand...time and trust after surrender changed all that for me.

Then a year go (after 5 years sober) I had a spiritual awakening and accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior.  I really believe NONE of that would have happened without that first moment of "surrender" on that hospital bed that day.

And now life actually has made sense for the first time in my life. It isn't, in some ways it is harder but I do know that it is REAL.

REAL is a very good place to start....

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