Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Seeking A HIGHER Standard
I mentioned in the last post that I have become aware of a new reality in my life...one that I probably didn't represent fairly in the post but at the same time will present challenges to Kim and I as time passes.
Because I am a person now with some visibility not just in recovery circles but now church because of my involvement in the Bible Reading Ministry...that has brought a heightened sense of scrutiny from members of the church and others.
Naturally this is something wholly new to me and at first totally negative and unwanted.I didn't like the idea of people passing judgement on me or looking for reasons to criticize. I thought it uncalled for, hypocritical and in certain incidents it is uncalled for.
But the true reality of my life today set in and my reaction to this discovery that people were watching me surprised me...I welcomed it. I never EVER tried to use any restraint in my life before.
Never did I strive to achieve a higher moral standard and honestly I found that so refreshing after year of living a decadent life of dishonesty and sin. Funny but living a selfish, decadent, sinful life was hard...it was PAINFUL and I hated it...so did Kim.
I truly like this way better and frankly I shocked myself for thinking that way. There is a reward in self-sacrifice, in self-denial.
I can't explain it either folks but it's true. Still, I don't like to feel judged or have my character feel like it's being picked a apart. I truly burn with a passion to serve and I don't really care what others think about it....I'll let you all know how this continues.