Saturday, February 11, 2012
It's ENOUGH...For Now!
When you have been in recovery for awhile (for me it's been nearly 6 years clean and sober now) I have noticed among others as well as with myself that it is easy to fall into a trap where you down play the times when you struggle. I think it is human nature to a certain degree but in recovery, those of us who have some time and experience mentor those who are newer and no one likes admitting to anyone that they are struggling. But there is an added pressure when people are looking up to you as well.
Now I have always made it clear that I am NOT responsible for my sobriety or recovery. I believe with all my heart and mind that it is a divine gift. Why? Because for YEARS I tried to control it, to stop, to change and failed miserably every time. Some people will say I am weak willed or just weak to depend on a "Higher Power" as some people in recovery refer to their version of God. I of course am now a Christian.
If having the life I have today is a result of "weakness" so be it, I'll take it every time. Because I was HOPELESS...literally with out a shred of hope that I would ever recover...I believed truly that I was doomed...doomed to hurt those I loved and innocents I didn't, to hurt myself, to die (if I was lucky). Today I have LIFE...a true LIFE and it is a miracle to me, each and every day. I am so eternally grateful for what I have...and I know how quickly it could all be gone. All I have to do it take charge of my life...and I am doomed. I mean that, if I attempt to take over, to take control well bad things will happen. My history PROVES that...
BUT...I do not live a perfect life, nor do I live in paradise. I am a human being and I live in this same big and bad world that everyone else does. What does that mean? It means I struggle...whether I want to admit it or not...I do. Sometimes I really struggle...now is one of those times.
At the beginning of this post I mentioned that I (and other people) sometimes don't like to admit we struggle. Well a year ago I became a Christian and noticed a similar tendency among Christians...we don't want to admit and let it show when we are hurting or have trouble in our lives. It's embarrassing...perhaps people will think less of us and figure we aren't practicing our spirituality....my FAITH as I should.
I am not ashamed to admit that since I have been going through this period of illness with all the problems, pain and uncertainty that I am really having a hard time. My faith has been wavering...I am having doubts and yes, I have questioned GOD...asking HIM why this is happening. I am working so hard at living my life as a FOLLOWER of Jesus, truly trying to live as he would....were he here in my place.
Yet I still hurt, I still see no light at the end of the tunnel sometimes and I am afraid...there, I said it..I am afraid. Afraid of what? Well...that I might not get better...that I may die just when everything in my life turned toward the good and things have been so wonderful.
I am afraid that I am not good enough to be accepted by our LORD...that I am weak and my faith ultimately will fail me and be found wanting. I realize that we all have doubts..and these things that I am feeling are no different then the way many other people feel as well.
What I will say that i am truly grateful for is that even though I am no closer to having the answer to what is wrong today then I was yesterday, at least I will admit that I am struggling, that I am indeed...afraid. Because I really believe that by admitting our fears, our struggles in this way...it is only then possible to face and defeat them with the help of GOD.
I have seen too many people struggle and yes even die because they were too PROUD to admit they we having a hard time. They could not get honest with themselves and others. So in their denial they continued to suffer...some right up until the day that they dies. They took their silence to the grave...their grave.
It does not have to be that way...God does not want us to struggle in such a way, I just don't believe he would give us so many opportunities to grow and change if he did.
So Yea, I am hurting...I am confused and I am really having some hard times right now...but I will hold on. I will BELIEVE...why? Because I know HE is there...HE always has been. I do not pretend to know what his plan for me or the world is but I know that I will believe in him and TRUST in HIM TODAY...and today is enough for NOW.
(PHOTO: Kathy Tomson)