"I hold a Beast, An Angel and a Mad Man inside me" - Dylan Thomas
This quote by Dylan Thomas very accurately describes the way that I felt inside of myself for years. And I say that NOT to be dramatic or act like I'm something weirdly special...no way! I sure didn't feel special or good about it in any way...it tormented my all those years...it was a curse.
I felt incomplete, like I was an evil person even though deep down I knew I was a good guy. But if I was so "good"...then why was I hurting the people I cared about most by the way I acted?!
I couldn't answer that question no matter how hard I tried so on and on it went....for years really...haunting me. I tried many times to change or modify my behavior and sometimes it would work out just great...until I drank. When I drank...well everything changed and I couldn't control myself anymore. It's no wonder I started to see myself as something "less then human".
This vicious cycle continued on and on until the day I tried to take my own life and failed. It was at that time then that I finally gave up for good. I had to quit the destructive lifestyle of booze/drugs that was killing me,...and there couldn't be ANY strings attached. It had to be the real McCoy.
Why did it take a near death experience for me to finally surrender and quit? I don't know...I'll NEVER know but that is what it took and I am grateful that it happened.
That is why I will always tell people to NEVER give up...that often in this life things are the very DARKEST right before the dawn. Please...if you are hurting...don't give up on yourself...RIGHT before the DAWN.
~hug~
ReplyDelete