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Thursday, July 19, 2012

An Overwhelming, Weight Presses Down Again & Again

There are times in my life when I feel like some great, unseen beings have each grabbed one of my arms or my legs and are all pulling on them simultaneously. I obviously cannot go in all directions at the same time, so they end up just pulling me apart. Tonight I feel that I have just been pulled apart...AGAIN. 

Unfortunately this is a feeling that I am way more familiar with then I would like to be but I do not know what I can do about it. I try to let go of the things that are stressing me out and honestly, this does not feel like stress. It almost has a physical quality to it as well as a psychological one. In the end I feel exhausted as well as Depressed.

Speaking of the "D-Word"...I have had a reasonably long stretch (for me it was long) where I hadn't had a major visit by by my friend the Black Dog.  That changed today, in a big way. I just suddenly felt so taken for granted, so used and unimportant, so weak, so vulnerable and fearful. My health issues have flared up again recently and often when that happens they are accompanied by that pesky black rascal.

I  just cannot seem to shake it...prayer and meditation almost seem to intensify the effect today and all I wanted to do was die. It came on me this morning as an awful and overwhelming wave of very negative emotion, totally unexpected. It left me reeling, questioning my very right to exist and regretting that I had survived the attempt to take my own life.

One result of this feeling I have noticed in the past is that it seems to make every physical exertion seem so great and overwhelming. As if a mere pencil weighs 25lbs. So the result is that I am absolutely exhausted from writing this short post just now but I felt that if I didn't get the details recorded I would forget the my thoughts and feelings about it all together.

I need to go lay down, I feel exhausted but I will elaborate on how I feel about this tomorrow......

(PHOTO: Kathy Tomson)

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