Thursday, July 5, 2012
Finding One's Way...
I'll be the first to admit it...I a bit of a bird of a different color...so to speak. I'm am something of an individualist, always a little different, never afraid to blaze my own trail. This life style and/or personality choice (Is it a choice? Hmm, that may be a question for it's very OWN post....) comes with a down-side of course...it has never been easy being different but for me there wasn't truly a choice: I was what I was...I am What I Am. It was trying to pretend that I was something I was not that got me in trouble. I just never felt I was "good enough" to just be ME.
So I spent years basically as a fake, never once feeling like I belonged or fit in. Those feelings of inadequacy go back as far as my memory does.
Today...I am pretty much a product of my experience. All the trials and tribulations, the struggles and humiliation have taught me humility...albeit, the "hard" way but I learned the lesson none-the-less. I know I am not perfect...and I don't expect to be. I do my very best...that's all I got to give anyway.
I do see the world a bit differently and even I have trouble finding a nice tidy way to describe who and what I am as a human being. For many years I was much like a ship without a rudder,essentially spinning in circles, never knowing what I wanted from life, where I was going or what I was going to do when I actually got there.
That is where finding and accepting a relationship with my Creator has really changed my life for me....at the very least it has helped to define and set the direction and the goals for my life today. I am very committed to helping others find there way after years like me of being lost, a stranger in their own skin.
So many of us seek solace in booze, drugs, unhealthy relationships...substituting sex for love or assuming it was one in the same. I think I have learned more about myself as a person, a child of GOD from my six years of being celibate and out of a relationship then I have from any other experience in my life. I was using sex as a drug to make me feel good. For that brief period of time it made my troubles seem to go away...yet they never truly did. They were always there and never truly went away or diminished...it just like waking up hung over only to find that the world was the same ugly and painful place it had always been.
The world was NOT going to change...the change that needed to occur had to happen on the inside of me...not the outside. I had to change and keep changing as time meanders on it's merry way...And that my friends is where God came in and shed some light on the matter, at least He did for me. My life did not suddenly just get easier or better...nope, no way. But it did start to make sense...there was a purpose to what I was doing...a reason to carry on through the tough times. Comfort in the face of chaos...strength when facing adversity and so on. I felt free...free to just BE ME. I can't begin to describe what a big deal that was or how drastic a change it was.
Anyway...I like myself today and I can give myself a break. I can live with the fact that I am not perfect but it just doesn't matter because I still get great satisfaction in helping others find their way as well.