A Mouthful

Imagine that, I am having trouble finding something to say. I would say something "relevant" to say but the truth is there is a lot of stuff I write here that isn't really relevant...well, I suppose it is to me so I guess it counts, hehe.

I know now from experience that it often is a good thing when I lack things to say...at times it means I am actually content...whoa, did I really say CONTENT?! I sure did...but that isn't always the case and I don't think it is today either. I feel good...just not content.

No, there has been some internal turmoil this week that has stirred up some unpleasantness yet I think it is a good time to face that stuff, so we will...right here, right now.

We have had some family around this holiday week and as I have noted before, without getting too specific on details, I have some work to do on certain relationships in my life...they just are still not right after all those years of my active addiction. But it has now been over 6 years since I have found recovery and part of me thinks enough already...how much penance do I have to pay. But on the other hand...I don't truly have a clue how much some of my actions may have hurt others and they obviously still need time yet to heal. Perhaps they never will....it hurts and it is sad but I may have to face certain facts...we'll see. Of course, it may in the end not be my issue at all...perhaps they would rather hold on to the resentment and let it devour them from within. I used to live that way...it's a lousy way to feel, trust me and a worse way to actually live but hey...some folks cannot let go.

There are some events this summer, fall and winter like weddings, re-locations and such that are going to be very awkward situations for me. I want to do the right thing but it hurts to even think about being involved in some of that stuff. Don't misunderstand me...these are my issues, I own them...they are emotions that I will just have to learn to deal with. There are people from my past, even though amends have been made...that I just as soon would rather never see again. It will be impossible to avoid them in some of these situations.

There is still a couple months time between now and the beginning of some of this stuff so I imagine it will work itself out in the end so I'm not going to burn a bunch of emotional energy now about it.

I suppose for someone who felt they didn't have much to say I kind of said a mouthful there, eh?!