Melancholy Middle-Man

The word melancholy has always been sort of a favorite of mine. Not because of what it is or what it means...no it is because I find it to be a word that sounds like it feels and for some odd reason that has always amused me when a word represents themselves in that manner.


I also find it somewhat impressive that it accurately describes what it feels like: "A deep, pensive, long-lasting sadness". Well that also describes the way I feel at the very core of my being most of the time. But please don't assume that I am now a permanent sour-puss...I'm not but I just feel a deep sadness at the very heart of who and what I am as a human being. Call me "Soul-Saddened" for lack of a better description...


I believe that sadness is a direct result of being raped and frankly I now believe that it is not an unhealthy thing to feel a long and deep seated sadness about something so life-altering...it is impossible not to, actually if I am being honest about who and what I am. Since the horror of that day has settled in...it has always just been there. And again, I do not see it as a total negative because I don't always show it and it isn't like that sadness manifests itself openly every waking moment of my life. But it is a part of who I am and I am not afraid to let it show or shy             about it....yep...it IS what it IS. Funny when that phrase first started to be popular that is the first thing I applied it to...being sexually assaulted:  "I cannot change that this happened...It IS what IT is.".

I guess at this stage in my life that deep seated sadness has become like a well-worn, favorite, most comfortable sweater...it's familiar, very comfortable and it IS home. 


Sadness does not dominate my mood or my life and I feel a full range of other emotions. I somehow believe that it's acknowledging and accepting it's constant presence is how I eventually healed from that horror and it is a familiar and steady protector that in it's own way provides a sense of security to me...for whatever that's worth.


I realize this may all sound a bit crazy but let's face facts...there is nothing freaking normal about RAPE, right?! Nothing about it ever makes real sense....so if there is anyway one can find some solace, a sense of peace  or just be able to live with it for awhile without blowing one's brains out, then it is most definitely a very good thing.


So those are my thoughts and feelings about the word melancholy...