I wrote this morning about waking up and feeling quite low, then hoe the feeling passes after a while. What I probably should have emphasized is the fact that this is still very different then how I used to feel. Back in the drinking /drugging days, I would wake up and regret that I was still alive. I really would think "I can't believe I'm still here!". I felt so utterly hopeless then too...
Seriously....I was not an alcoholic who was in denial about my addiction, not at all. I knew what I was and would admit it.....I was an alcoholic and a drug addict. I just had no real desire to change, even if the drinking or using drugs eventually lead to my death...Hey, the sooner the better! Which it most certainly would have done, I think if I didn't kill someone else first while driving a car. So realistically...my life choices looked like death or prison.
Just before I got clean I kept wrecking my car: Hit a tree going 55 mph (the saving grace being I drove through part of a corn field before I hit it or I'd probably have died right then and there), I pulled out of a friends driving way and rolled down a ravine (landed on my wheels, put it in 4WD and drove torn up SUV right up the side of the ravine, out to the road and home) and lastly I slid into a deep ditch on a sunny, Saturday afternoon, towed it out with my pick up and tore part of the front end off in the process. So....I truly believe that it was just a matter of time before I killed someone else or myself in a car, no doubt about it.
(Warning: The following paragraph contains various, specific details about the attempt to take my own life. This isn't a movie, it happened. Some folks might want to skip this part, it's up to you...)
Honestly though, I believe deep down that I was destined to die a hopeless addict/alcoholic. I just could not see any light in life, not even a sliver of hope. Darkness followed by blackness, a cold forbidding, lonely, eternal anguish, always followed by pain...more and more pain. Why would I NOT desire death? Anything seemed better then the way I was living, the way I felt at that time. So I decided to die and honest to god I was sure that I had enough drugs to do the job. Sleeping pills, anti-depressants, tranquilizers, pain killers, anti-seizure medication, muscle relaxers and more. I was drunk and had been on a drug (read Coke/Morphine) binge for 3 days....I remember looking at several pill bottles full of the stuff. And then one by one I choked 'em down with a Vodka and Cran....I thought I might puke so I put duct tape over my mouth and laid down to sleep forever....I really believed that was IT.
Yet...I did not fucking die! I came to in the hospital and I remember being so very cold, ice cold to my bones. And the light burned like razors in my eyes. My head hurt, hell I hurt every where. But my heart hurt the worst because I knew that now I had no choice but to live....and I had no idea how I was supposed to do that. I cried but couldn't produce tears. It's like a dry heave cry, a wail of sorts, sobs...I think I would have hit myself if I hadn't been restrained.That moment, tied to that bed I felt as low as I ever had in my life. I had no where to go. I was broke....and broken. I was so afraid, I felt so hopeless and lost...completely w/out hope and really all alone.
I had no idea then that I was at the crossroads of my life, THE turning point. I would never have to feel that way again (and up until now, over 5 years later, I haven't) and I was beginning a brand new life.
Of course I had no idea that any of this was going on at the time...it's all the benefit of hindsight. I just knew that once again, I had failed. Failed to die, failed to relieve my loved ones of the burden of ME. Sure they'd be sad if I died but they'd get over it. I knew better then they did what was best....I was doing this for THEM! What a line of bullshit that was. I was giving up, quitting, I was scared and I wanted to run away forever. So typical of me to run! But it didn't happen that way. Nope....
It truly was the darkest, just before the dawn....of a brand new life.